


Cupid’s Bow

by felineranger



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Dubious Consent, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-01-24 00:22:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 24,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18560134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/felineranger/pseuds/felineranger
Summary: Love is in the air when the crew come across a stranded man while searching a derelict.  But is it true love, or something more sinister?





	1. Chapter 1

Lister huddled miserably in his bunk, shivering despite the mass of blankets, eyes shut tight as if trying to block out the pain.  “Mr Lister?” Kryten popped his angular head around the door of Starbug’s compact sleeping quarters. “Are you awake, Sir?”   
“No.”  Lister grudgingly peered out from under the covers, puffy-eyed and sad.     
Kryten hurried to his side, “Oh, dearie me.  You don’t look well at all.”   
“I’ve got the sniffles and a banging headache.  I know it’s just a cold, but I feel crappy.” Kryten plucked the tip off one finger, revealing a small thermometer, which he placed gently in Lister’s ear.  “Hmm. A touch of fever but not too severe. Still, I think perhaps you should stay in bed.”   
“Fine by me.”   
“I’ll bring you some chicken soup before we go.”   
“Thanks, man.”  Lister frowned suddenly, “Wait.  Go? Go where?”   
“There’s a downed ship on a moon just a few clicks away on the scanner; the  _ Mirage _ .  I was going to suggest a little shopping trip, but you don’t have to come.”   
“Smegging typical.  I haven’t been off this ship in months, and now there’s finally an opportunity to go somewhere and I feel lousy.”   
“I’m sure it will all be very tedious,” Kryten patted his shoulder.  “You stay here and get some rest. We’ll bring back anything interesting, and I’ll keep an eye out for that special hot sauce you like.”   
“Okay then.” Lister snuggled back down.     
“Let me bring you that soup.”   
“With twisty noodles?  And chilli flakes?”   
“I know how you like it, Sir.  You just leave it to me.”   
“You’re the best, Kryters.”   
  
“How come Listy gets to stay at home with his feet up, while we have to do all the grunt work?” Rimmer complained a little later, as the remaining crew prepared for the expedition.   
“Now, Mr Rimmer, you know he’d come with us if he wasn’t under the weather.”   
“He’s got a cold, for smeg’s sake.”   
“He’ll be back to normal duties much sooner if he rests.”   
“Meanwhile we have to lug everything back from this stupid derelict by ourselves.”   
“Sir, we don’t even know yet if there’s anything worth salvaging.  Besides, your hard light drive makes lifting even the heaviest crates almost effortless.”   
“That’s not the point.  It’s not fair. And you know  _ he’s _ going to do the bare minimum.”  He glared at Cat.   
“What’re you looking at me like that for?” Cat replied, indignant.  “I do plenty round here.”   
“If by plenty you mean ‘bugger all’.”   
“There’s no point squabbling about it,” Kryten scolded.  “We just have to make do.” He squinted at the readouts. “And by the looks of it we’ll need to concentrate.  There’s a busy asteroid field surrounding the moon.”   
“Probably what brought the ship down in the first place.”  Rimmer sighed theatrically. “Perfect. Now we’ve got to navigate a complex asteroid belt with a reduced crew as well.”   
“Chill out, Goal-post head.  I can get us through this standing on my head.”   
“Forgive me if I fail to look reassured.”   
“Hey, I don’t need help from Dormouse Cheeks.  I got this.”   
“Everything will be fine, Sir.  I’m getting very clear details of the asteroid movements, and with Mr Cat’s superior reflexes this shouldn’t be a problem if we all focus.”  His voice assumed the very slightest suggestion of a warning tone. “There is absolutely no need to bother Mr Lister.”   
  
Starbug zipped gracefully back and forth between the spinning rocks before landing gently at the crashed vessel.  “See?” Cat turned smugly to Rimmer. “Smooooth.”   
Rimmer glared at him and didn’t reply.  “Kryten, run a safety scan.”   
“Already underway, Sir.”   
“Results?”   
“Still scanning.”   
“Well, hurry up.  We need to be efficient, Kryten.  We’re short staffed, if you hadn’t noticed.”   
“I can’t control the speed of the scan, Sir.  Ah, here we go. Structure is stable. Life support systems operational.  No bacteria or toxins detected. Life signs...” he hesitated for a second, “...one.”   
  
“That’s it.  Abort mission.”   
“It could be something harmless.”   
“Or it could be something hideous.  Let’s not risk it.”   
“We should investigate further before deciding.  It might even be a glitch.”   
“It could be a foxy lady,” Cat grinned.   
“Unlikely, Sir, but as always your optimism is charming.”   
“We’re not that short on supplies.  It’s not worth it.”   
“Speak for yourself.  I’m nearly out of leg wax.”   
“What are you talking about?  Literally no one else uses it.  There’s loads of leg wax.”   
“Not the  _ good _ leg wax.”   
“Fine.  We’ll ask Listy what he thinks.”   
“Sir...!”   
  
Quick as a flash, Rimmer hit the intercom button.  “Oh Listy! Wakey-wakey! We need your advice.”   
“What is it?” Lister’s voice crackled back resentfully.   
“It’s nothing, Sir!  Go back to bed!” Kryten interjected in vain.   
“The scan detected a life form on this derelict.  Should we go ahead?” Rimmer asked, voice all innocence.   
“A life form?  Are you serious?”   
“Probably nothing, but best to play it safe and skidaddle, wouldn’t you say?”   
“What’s wrong with you?  They might need help! We have to investigate!”   
“Fine, if you say so.  We’ll be off then. See you later.”   
“Don’t be ridiculous.  I’m coming with you.”   
“Oh no, Listy.  You’re far, far too delicate right now.  You stay here while we deal with this.”   
“No way.  I’m coming up.”   
  
Rimmer turned to smile smarmily at Kryten.  “Look at that. He’s coming up.”   
Kryten fumed, internally cursing his programming.  “Mr Rimmer, you really are a total smeee-heee. Why did you have to tell him when you know he’s not well?”   
“I wasn’t going to  _ lie _ , Kryten,” Rimmer said earnestly.   
  
They gathered in the mid-section to collect their equipment before boarding.  “Mr Lister, are you sure it wouldn’t be better for you to stay here, so that we can contact you if we run into trouble?” Kryten pleaded.   
“We stick together until we know what’s out there, man.  Okay?”   
“But your temperature has risen and you’re looking very peaky.”   
“I know, and my head is killing me, but we’re not taking any chances.  We’re not splitting up. Once we’re sure everything is peachy, I’ll go right back to bed.”   
“And as you’re here, you can carry the other tool belt,” Rimmer thrust it at him.   
“Thanks,” Lister said sarcastically.   
  
As they boarded the  _ Mirage _ , the lights flickered on, triggered by the motion.  “Nice place,” Cat observed, looking around. “Shiny.”   
“Indeed.  Other than the damage sustained by the asteroid hit and the crash landing, it appears to be a fine ship.”  Kryten confirmed.   
“Never mind the paintwork.  Are you still getting the life reading?” Rimmer pressed.   
“Yes, Sir.  Not too far away either.”   
“Okay, let’s go see what it is.  Everyone be on your toes.” Lister raised his bazookoid.  Kryten noted with concern that his hand was trembling.   
“Sir, I’m really not sure you should be here.”   
“Well, I am, so let’s do this as quickly as possible so I can get back to bed.”   
  
They followed the readings down the corridor.  “It’s close, Sirs. In fact, I think it’s coming towards us.”   
“Safety switches off, gents,” Rimmer instructed.  “Be ready to fire if necessary. Lister, I said safety off.  Lister?”   
Lister swayed on his feet.  “I don’t feel so good.”   
“We know, we know.  Stop whining.”   
“No.  I mean I...I...”     
  
Lister’s vision swam.  Pain exploded between his eyes as if he’d been stabbed.  He dropped the bazookoid and fell to his knees with a cry, clutching his head.  “Sir?!” Kryten knelt beside him, distraught.    
“It hurts!” Lister gasped breathlessly.  “It hurts!”   
“What’s the matter with him?” Rimmer demanded, panicked.   
“I don’t know!”   
“Well, do something!”   
Lister groaned in agony, as the throbbing spread through his brain.  He couldn’t speak, could barely breathe. He started to faint. The last thing he heard was Rimmer’s voice fading away down a dark tunnel.  “We don’t have time for this! It’s coming! It’s coming...!”   
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

“...looking much better now.”   
“...could have been much worse.”   
“...he’s waking up.”   
“Mr Lister?”   
“Lister?  Lister?”   
  
Lister stirred.  A pair of kind blue eyes looked down at him.  “Don’t try to get up just yet,” an unfamiliar voice said.  “Take your time.”   
“How are you feeling, Sir?” Kryten’s voice asked from somewhere in the room.   
“Better,” Lister said, “I think.  Um, who are you?”   
“Oh no!  He doesn’t remember me!”   
“Not  _ you _ .  Of course I remember you.  I mean him.”   
  
The man leaning over him moved back with a quiet chuckle, bringing into perspective a pleasing and friendly face, and coffee-coloured curls.  “Fair question.”   
“He’s our unidentified life form,” Rimmer chipped in shortly.  He was standing in the corner, arms folded, and didn’t seem delighted by the discovery.   
“Well, not quite unidentified anymore.”  The man gave a cheerful salute. “First Officer Kazansky of the  _ SS Badenbrook _ at your service.”   
“This isn’t your ship?”   
“Afraid not.  I landed here in an escape pod after my ship was attacked by simulants.  I’ve been in stasis waiting to see if any other members of my crew made it out, but given that you’re the first visitors it’s woken me for in many years, it seems unlikely.”   
“I’m so sorry.”   
“All ancient history now.  But enough about me, you had a close call there.”   
  
“What happened?” Lister rubbed his head, remembering the pounding pain that had now thankfully dispersed.   
“You had a pretty serious sinus infection.  Much longer and you would have gone into sepsis.”   
“I thought it was just a cold.”   
“You have to be so careful out here.  Even relatively minor ailments can mutate into something nastier before you know it.  Luckily this place has excellent medical facilities.”   
“Don’t be so modest, Officer,” Kryten said warmly.  “Your swift and decisive action was invaluable.”   
“Oh, I didn’t do anything really.  My clinical knowledge is very limited, officers only get quite basic medical training.  The medi-bot does all the hard work.”    
Lister noticed Rimmer rolling his eyes in the corner.  “Well, thanks anyway,” he said pointedly. “I appreciate it.  I really did feel awful.”   
“I’m impressed that you even attempted the boarding party, honestly,” Kazansky told Lister.  “You must have been in agony. You’re obviously very dedicated to your crew.”   
“Oh, they aren’t my crew.  I’m not the captain.”   
“Really?  Your men seem so devoted.”   
“No,” Rimmer said sourly. “He really isn’t.   _ I _ happen to be the most senior rank here.”   
“Not anymore it seems,” Lister grinned.  Rimmer glowered furiously.   
  
Lister sat up and swung his legs off the bed.  “Are you sure you’re ready to get up?” Kazansky checked.   
“I’m fine now, apart from feeling a bit tired.  My headache and congestion have totally gone.”   
“Good stuff.”   
“You gimboid,” Rimmer said peevishly, “you should have said if you were feeling that ill.”   
“I knew you shouldn’t have provoked him into coming with us,” Kryten said.  “I told you he wasn’t up to it.”   
“He insisted!  It’s not my fault!  Besides, if he hadn’t come with us he’d have been all by himself when he collapsed.  Who knows what might have happened? You should be thanking me.”   
“It doesn’t matter now, it all worked out.”  Lister smiled wearily. “You know I wouldn’t have let you guys face an unknown life form without me.  All for one and all that.”   
“What a guy,” Kazansky slapped Lister’s shoulder approvingly.  Rimmer’s face contorted into a grimace.    
  
“Let me show you around,” Kazansky stood and gestured an invitation for them to follow him.  Lister followed suit and looked up in surprise. “Wow. You’re tall, aren’t you?”   
“So I’m told.”   
“He’s not that tall,” Rimmer protested.  “You’re just short.”   
“He’s taller than you.”   
“Barely.”   
“Hmmm...noticeably.”   
“Should we stand back to back?” Kazansky joked.   
“Go on, Rimsy.  Let’s settle it,” Lister teased.   
“This isn’t the school playground,” Rimmer huffed.  “It doesn’t matter.”   
“Don’t sulk.  You’re still bigger than me.”   
“Shut up.”   
  
They followed their new friend as he showed them around the limited areas of the ship that were still accessible.  “I’m afraid I can’t tell you much about the science rooms, or much of the equipment really. As I said, it’s not my ship, and a lot of this is more advanced than I’m used to.”   
“Join the club,” Lister looked around.  “Maybe Starbug will be more your speed.”   
“I hope so.  I’d hate to feel useless.”   
“Oh, have no fear, Mr Kazansky,” Kryten assured him warmly.  “I’m sure with your experience as an officer, you’ll be a valuable asset to the team.”   
“Thank you.  And, please, call me Kristoff.”   
  
Rimmer turned to stare at him oddly.  “I’m sorry. Your name is....Kristoff Kazansky?”   
“Yes.  It’s a mouthful, I know.  Back in the academy, my friends would just call me Ice.”   
“They called you  _ what _ ?” Rimmer’s lips pursed.   
Lister laughed, “Oh, I get it.”   
“Get what?” Rimmer demanded suspiciously.   
“His name’s Kazansky.  Iceman. Top Gun.”   
“What are you talking about?”   
“I’m impressed,” Kristoff beamed, “You know your old movies.”   
“Well, it’s not like I have a whole lot else to do.”   
“I’ve never seen it,” Rimmer said stiffly.   
“That’s ok, Goose.” Lister patted his shoulder.     
Kazansky snickered, “That’s funny.  I see what you did there.”   
“What’s funny?” Rimmer glared at them both.   
“Because Goose dies in the film,” Lister explained patiently.  “And you’re a hologram so...”   
“So I’m dead too.  Nice. You know what?  I’ll see you back at the ship.”  He gave them both a dark - almost suspicious- look before marching away.   
“He’s a tad touchy, isn’t he?” Kazansky noted as Rimmer stormed off.   
“Just a tad,” Lister agreed with a smile.  “It’s nice to finally be around someone with a sense of humour.”   
  
“So...” Kazansky grinned, “if he’s Goose, does that make you Maverick?  After all, you must be a pretty fine pilot to have survived out here.”   
“Well, Cat is better than me, if I’m honest.  But I can hold my own.”   
Kazansky held his gaze for a long moment.  “I bet you can.”   
Lister felt a blush creeping onto his face as he looked into those blue eyes, and hoped it wasn’t noticeable.   _ Oh no.  Oh no. Stop it.  You’ve been alone in deep space too long.  You can’t go dizzy over the first person you stumble across just because he’s nice to you. _ __  
“Now, don’t talk yourself down so, Sir,” Kryten chirped.  “You’re a very good pilot too. In fact, you have lots of talents!”   
“Really?” Kazansky probed.  “Like what?”   
“I can...fit a lot in my mouth,” Lister blurted out, and immediately died slightly inside.   _ Why would you say that?  Why??? _ __  
“It’s true!” Cat confirmed enthusiastically.  “He can fit a whole family-fun sized pouch of M&M’s in those cheeks.  I’ve seen him do it!”   
“Yeah, thanks,” Lister growled.   
“I was going to mention your engineering skills, Sir, but the M&M trick is impressive.” Kryten nodded in agreement.   
“Well,” Kazansky’s eyes twinkled, “I think you’re going to have to show me this prodigious talent.”   
“We don’t have any M&M’s,” Lister said quickly, wishing the floor would swallow him up.   
“I’m sure we can find an alternative.”   
  
This time, Lister knew there was no chance the blush wasn’t noticeable.   __ Smeg .   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Chapter 3

They were strolling around the Botanical Gardens, when Rimmer’s voice crackled through the walkie-talkie on Lister’s belt.  “Does anyone read me? I need you lot back at Starbug.”   
“What’s the prob?” Lister asked.   
“It’s...complicated.”   
“Are you okay?”   
“I’m fine.  I just need some help with something.”   
“Can’t it wait?”   
“You’ve been gone for ages.”   
“We’ve been less than an hour.”   
“I’m all on my own!”   
“Then you shouldn’t have gone off in a strop, should you?”   
“Just come back!”   
  
Before Lister could reply, Kryten leaned over and did it for him.  “We’re just coming back now, Sir.”   
“Good.  Don’t dawdle.”   
Kryten smiled indulgently, “I’ll go and take care of whatever little issue Mister Rimmer is having.  That should keep him quiet for a bit longer if you wanted to finish looking around.”   
“Thanks Kryten,” Lister looked up into the high glass dome above them.  “It is nice here. I wouldn’t mind spending a bit longer.”   
“I’m gonna go too.  I haven’t changed clothes since we left.  I’m starting to feel itchy.” Cat squirmed.   
“Oh.” Lister internally flailed as he realised this would leave him alone with Kazansky.  “Maybe we should all go.”   
“No need, Sir.  You stay and enjoy yourself.  As you said earlier, it’s been a while since you’ve been out.  Make the most of it.”   
  
“So,” Kazansky said cheerfully once they were alone, “what would you like to do?”   
“Let’s just walk,” Lister said quickly.  “Walking is a thing people do, right?”   
“Yes, I suppose so.”  Kazansky looked amused.  “Nothing like a good walk to clear the head.”  He paused for a moment. “I used to like walking around the Botanical Gardens on my own ship.  Particularly if I had something on my mind.”   
Lister glanced at him shyly, “Me too.  There’s something soothing about it, isn’t there?”   
“Plants radiate serenity.  They don’t judge.”   
“I used to like watching the birds and the squirrels,” Lister said sadly.  “Before they all died.”   
“I nursed an orphaned baby squirrel back to health once, when I was a student.”   
“Awww.  That’s so sweet.” Inside, Lister mentally cursed.   _Crap_ , _as_ _if_ _he_ _wasn’t_ _already_ _perfect_.   
“I called him Rusty.  He was gorgeous. I kept him hidden in my dorm room for weeks before I released him back into the wild.  I would have got in such trouble if anyone found out.”   
“I hid a cat in my room when I joined the space corps,” Lister admitted.  “I love animals.”   
“So do I.”   


Lister tried to wrestle down his feelings.  He needed to crush this crush. _You can’t get involved with this guy.  Not if he’s gonna be part of the crew. Besides, you can’t go gaga just because he happens to be the nicest, handsomest person you’ve met in years.  Keep it together._ _  
_  
“Are you hungry?” Kazansky asked.  “You’ve had quite a day, you should probably keep your strength up.”  
“I could eat,” Lister tried to sound casual.   _Is he asking me to have dinner with him?  Like a date?_ _  
_“I’m not much of a cook, but I make a mean chicken curry.”  
“Really?” Lister bleated.   _God-smegging-dammit._ _  
_“Not to toot my own horn or anything.  Are you okay?” Kazansky raised an eyebrow.  “You look flustered.”  
  
Lister gave up.  He swallowed hard.  “Not to sound weird, man, but I know we just met, and we know almost nothing about each other but I’m feeling...a connection with you.”  He cringed. That had sounded cheesy even to him.  
“No.  No, it’s not weird.  I feel it too.” Kazansky smiled warmly.  The smile lit up his face like a pinball machine and Lister’s heart fluttered.  Oh, boy, he was a sucker for a nice smile. “You do?”  
“Absolutely.”  Kazansky reached out and took his hand.  Lister felt a thrill go through him. “I don’t know what it is, but it feels like I’ve known you all my life.”   
“Yes,” Lister agreed faintly, “or like I’ve been waiting for you all my life.  I’m not sure which. But crazy as this sounds-” the words spilled out before Lister could even think them clearly, “- I think I’m in love with you.”  
  
 _What is wrong with you?  You did not just profess love to someone you met two hours ago!  That’s insane!_ __  
  
But it was true.  He felt it, deep inside, an undeniable bond between them.  Like they shared the same soul. It was the same thunderbolt of passion that had hit him when he’d first met Kochanski, the same powerful certainty that this was something rare and incredible and real; only if anything this was stronger.  
  
Kazansky gazed into his eyes.  “I don’t think it’s crazy. I think it’s fate.  I think we were made for each other.”   
“Soulmates,” Lister whispered.    
Kazansky folded him in his arms, “It might have taken three million years but destiny finally brought us together.”  They kissed, and Lister felt his entire being light up in a firework display of delight.  
  
“Mister Rimmer?” Kryten called as he and Cat re-entered the mid-section, “Sir?  What seems to be the problem?”  
Rimmer stuck his head through the cockpit entrance, brandishing a bazookoid, “Ha!”  His expression quickly changed to one of consternation. “Where is it? And where’s Lister?”  
“Where’s what, Goalpost Head?” Cat demanded indignantly.  “Don’t wave that thing around!”  
“The GELF, you morons!  Don’t tell me you left Lister alone with it!”  
“What GELF?”  
“Surely you don’t mean Mr Kazansky, Sir?  That’s preposterous!”  
“Of course I do!  What’s wrong with you?  He’s clearly some kind of psiren or shapeshifter and he’s after Lister!”  
“Sir, this isn’t one of your little fits of jealousy again?  Do we really need a repeat of what happened when we met Mr Ace?”  
“How can you not see it?  It’s more obvious than a soap opera plot twist!”  
“How?”  
“The name for one thing, you imbeciles!  Kristoff Kazansky?”  
“Lots of people have similar sounding names, Sir.  It’s hardly a reason to shoot someone.”  
“And that Top Gun nonsense.  Who the hell watches films that old?  He pulled all of that straight out of Lister’s head.”  
“Some people like old films.”  
“And did you hear what he said about his old nickname?  Friends call me Ice, indeed. Where have we heard that before?”  
“I think you’re reaching a little bit with this theory, Sir.”  
“All those things on their own, maybe, but all together?”  
“Have you considered that you might be feeling a tad resentful of Mr Kazansky, Sir?”  
“Resentful?  Why?”  
“Well, because he’s attractive and capable and amiable, and was very successful in his previous life.”  He gave Rimmer a pointedly bitter look. “And maybe because he was the one who stepped in to heal Mr Lister after he collapsed.”  
“Don’t look at me like that.  That wasn’t my fault!”  
“Yeah, it was,” Cat interjected.  “He only came with us ‘cos of you.”  
“It was a little bit your fault, Sir,” Kryten agreed.  
  
Rimmer fumed, “Look, we don’t have time to argue about this.  We need to find them! For all we know, Lister could have had his brains sucked out by now.”  
“They seemed perfectly at ease when we left them, Sir.  I don’t think Mister Lister is in danger of having anything sucked out of him.”  
“Lister?  Are you there?  Answer me!” Rimmer barked into the walkie-talkie.  “Lister!”  
There was no reply.  
  
The walkie-talkie lay forgotten and discarded on the ground, the tinny sound of Rimmer’s voice buried by Lister’s jacket, then his shirt, as Kazansky undressed him.  Lister scrabbled at the buttons on his new lover’s shirt, aching for skin-on-skin contact. They embraced tightly, mouths locked together, and Lister couldn’t get enough.  He needed this guy like he needed oxygen. Sick of standing on tiptoe, he gripped Kazansky’s broad shoulders and hopped neatly up into his arms, wrapping his legs around his waist.  Kazansky caught him effortlessly, his hands immediately clasping Lister’s buttocks in a firm steady grip, as if the two of them had been practicing the move for years. He carried him over to the grass beneath a blossoming apple tree, and sank down onto his knees so Lister was straddling his lap.  No longer needing to cling to him, Lister put his hands to work pulling open Kazansky’s trousers. Kazansky tipped him backwards, spilling him down into the soft grass and climbing on top of him. Lister quickly slid his hands inside his waistband, and as Kazansky moved forward to kiss him again he used the momentum to slide his clothes down over his hips.  He immediately reached for the exposed erection. The feel of it in his hand, velvet skin over pulsing red-hot iron, made him moan. Smeg, how long had it been since he’d done this with a man? He’d forgotten how much he loved it. And yet, even this felt familiar. As he began to gently stroke Kazansky’s cock, it felt like he’d done this before. He knew the shape of it, the length of it, intimately.  He knew the exact spot to apply pressure, where to use a feather-touch. “You’re amazing,” Kazansky panted between kisses. “You’re beautiful and perfect and incredible, and I want you so much.” He clawed the remains of Lister’s clothes away, tossing them aside, then covered him in kisses, working his way down his body until his head was buried between his splayed legs. He kissed and caressed the naked skin of his inner thighs, sucked lovingly on balls, licked and mouthed his straining cock until he was panting and whimpering, then took him deep in his throat.  Lister’s back arched with a cry, his fingers digging into the earth, then into Kristoff’s hair. His head fell back and he writhed naked in the grass, staring up glassy-eyed into the shining dome above, as the white blossom drifted down on them like scented snow. Their first kiss had set off a firework display in his brain; the first orgasm sent Lister’s body into supernova.  
  
“Come in!  Lister, come in!  Come...!” Rimmer gave up and threw the radio down in frustration.  “You see!”  
Cat and Kryten shared a grudgingly anxious look.  “I’m sure everything is fine,” Kryten said optimistically.  “But maybe we should just check.”


	4. Chapter 4

“That was incredible,” Lister murmured, as he and Kristoff curled naked around each other in the grass.   
“Amazing,” Kristoff agreed, nuzzling his neck.  “You’ve got a lot of pep for someone who passed out earlier today.”   
“I feel fab now.  I don’t know what you gave me in that medi-bay, but it worked.”   
“That’s not medicine.”  Kristoff gently brushed white petals from Lister’s hair.  “That’s love, Blossom.” He stared down at him adoringly. “God, I love you, Dave.  I love you so much.”   
  
“This is nuts,” Lister whispered dreamily.  “But I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”   
“We should get up.  Your friends will be waiting for us.”   
“Hmm?  Who? Oh.  Oh, yeah.” Lister took the proffered hand and let Kazansky pull him to his feet.  “I completely forgot for a moment that we weren’t the only two people in the universe.”   
“Follow me,” Kazansky held onto his hand and led him away.  Lister looked back over his shoulder for a second, “My clothes...”   
“Forget it,” Kazansky smiled secretively.  “You don’t need them.”   
Lister smiled back, “Whatever you say.  Where are we going?”   
“To the drive room.  You don’t have anywhere else to be, right?”   
Lister paused.   _ Did _ he have somewhere else to be?  He felt like there was something that had crossed his mind just seconds ago, but it had melted away like an ice crystal on his tongue.  “No,” he squeezed Kristoff’s hand, “and nowhere I’d rather be.”   
  
They left the garden and headed up in the lifts, canoodling lazily as they went.  Walking around this strange ship stark naked should have felt peculiar and bizarre, but Lister barely thought about it.  He felt free and natural and contented. When they found the drive room, he watched with minimal interest as Kristoff made some adjustments on the security panel.  “What are we doing here?”   
“Just buying some time.”   
“For what?”   
“Your crewmates will be here soon.  I just want a little longer alone together before they arrive.”  He put a delay on the airlock release.   
Lister blinked.  His crewmates? Oh yeah.  Those guys. What did they have to do with anything?  They’d just be in the way. Yes, the longer they had alone the better.  Extending this blissful solitude with Kristoff for even a few minutes longer sounded good to Lister.  He thought he’d be happy to never see another face as long as he lived.   
  
“We can’t get in.”   
“What?” Rimmer demanded.   
“The airlock won’t let us through.”  Kryten’s voice went up an octave as anxiety moved up a gear into fully-fledged concern.   
“I told you!” Rimmer exploded.  “Didn’t I tell you there was something fishy about that smug bastard!  What do we do now?”   
“I’ll try and find an override code.”   
“It doesn’t make sense,” Cat protested.  “If he wanted to hurt Gerbil-Face then why’d he help him earlier?”   
“Smeg knows!  He could be doing anything to him right now!” Rimmer paled.   
  
“This feels so good,” Lister murmured between long languorous kisses.   
“I could spend forever worshipping this body,” Kazansky told him, his hands roving over every inch of Lister’s naked skin.  They were on the floor of the drive room, and Lister didn’t even care that the ground was cold and hard. He just wanted more.  “I want to eat, drink, and breathe you. I want to consume you. Possess you.”   
“So do.  Do it all.  Don’t stop.”  Lister whispered deliriously.  He groaned as Kristoff’s hands grasped and lifted his thighs and that gorgeous cock entered him.  His whole body undulated in delighted response as he sank in deep.   
“Do you love me?” Kristoff demanded.   
“Yes!  God, yes!”   
“Do you want to be with me forever?”   
“With all my heart and soul.”   
“Will you let me in?  Give me everything I want and need?” Kristoff’s hips circled and dipped over and over, driving Lister to distraction.   
“Everything I am.”   
“Even if it hurts you?  Even if it kills you?”   
  
A flickering headlight of sanity pierced through the dizzying adoration fogging Lister’s brain.  “What?”   
“Say it, Dave.  I need you to say it.”  Kristoff stared intently into his face, not pausing their fucking for even a second.  Lister looked into his eyes and was helpless. He’d do anything. Anything at all. “Yes.”  The single word seemed to bring his lover near to the edge. Kazansky moaned in delight, his movements becoming wilder and more frantic.  He grasped Lister’s wrists and pinned them above his head. “I want you. Now. I want to be inside you.”   
“You’re...in...me...” Lister gasped out breathlessly, aroused and confused.   
“I want to be inside you completely.  With my whole being. I want to be one with you.”   
Lister’s heart pounded with desire and excitement, in time with Kristoff’s thrusts.  He closed his eyes in ecstasy. “I want that too.”   
  
The grip on his wrists tightened.  “Remember that I love you, Dave.” He heard Kristoff say.  “This is going to hurt.”   
  
“Hey, guys!” Cat jerked a thumb over his shoulder.  “The airlock just opened.”   
Rimmer and Kryten looked up in surprise from the screen.  “Weird,” Rimmer said. “None of the codes worked.”   
“It must have just been on a timer.”  Kryten gave Rimmer a look as close to outright annoyance as his programming would allow.  Which was pretty close these days. “You see, Sir? After all that fuss, no-one was trying to keep us out after all.  You were overreacting.”   
“Don’t give me that look!  You were worried too!” Rimmer protested.  “And it still doesn’t explain why he won’t answer his radio.”   
“Give it a rest, you two.” Cat rolled his eyes.  “Let’s just find Chipmunk Cheeks, and if he’s dead  _ then _ you can fight about it.”   
  
Lister screamed as sudden pain like a thousand knives piercing his head paralysed him.  He instinctively tried to jolt upright, but Kazansky’s hands on his wrists kept him pinned to the floor and he bucked beneath him in agony.  “Easy, Blossom,” Kristoff murmured tenderly. “Ride it out. It will pass.” The scream drained him of air and he slumped back, consciousness dimming to a silver mist, limbs quivering in shock.   _ Breathe, my sweet.  Come back to me. I’m here.  I’m right here. _  The words took shape in Lister’s head without using his ears.  “What did you do?” he gasped, vision still blurred, brain still thrumming.   
_ I took the next step to making us one. _ _   
_ “Next?”   
_ I took the first step before you ever laid eyes on me.  The moment you came aboard, I shot you with my venom. I bonded us. _ _   
_ Lister remembered the pain that had knocked him out cold earlier.  “You said...said it was a sinus infection...” he whimpered. “I was already ill before I came here.”   
_ A touch of flu, darling, that’s all.  I got rid of it for you. _ _   
_ “What...are...you...?” Lister whispered.   
_ I am what your mind made me.  To you I am Kristoff. In the past they called me Cupid. _ __   
  
Lister finally managed to focus as the pain started to ease.  Kristoff smiled down at him and kissed his lips. “There we go,” he said “That’s the worst over with.  Only one more step to take.”

Even though he was still reeling, even though he knew he should feel violated and betrayed and horrified, still Lister couldn’t help but respond to the kiss.  He was suddenly hyper-aware that they were still very much physically entwined. The pain seemed like a distant memory suddenly, and the revelation that his lover was not what he seemed to be, far less important than the sensual thrill of their coupling.  He didn’t have to say a word. He didn’t need to. Kristoff sensed his need and instantly resumed their love-making, and it was incredible. Every touch was magnified; because he could feel everything Kristoff was feeling. Lister was consumed with a combination of awe and panic.   _ You’re in my head.  You’re in my head!  _ _   
_ _ And you’re in mine.  Isn’t it beautiful? _ _   
_ Their tongues touched as their minds met and their bodies ground together.   
_ I still love you.  I can’t help it. Even though I know it’s not real. _ _   
_ _ It is real.  You are mine, and I am yours, and we will be one forever. _ _   
_   
“Come,” Kristoff murmured out loud into his ear, rocking him in a blissful rhythm as he caressed his cock.  “I know you’re close, I can feel it. Let it happen. Let me in. All the way in. Make us one.”    
  
Lister couldn’t have held back if he’d wanted to.  As orgasm began to overwhelm him, Kristoff’s form began to shimmer and dissolve into a swirling gold mist, that somehow he could still feel inside him.  “Yes! Yes!”    
_ Yes _ .     
Lister felt his lover’s euphoria as the transformation began and it heightened his own pleasure.  The pulsating golden haze surrounded him, covering every inch of his naked skin. He breathed it in, it filled his mouth and nose, entered every part of him, spread through his entire being.  This was an ecstasy beyond sex. This was  __ everything .  He howled in a moment of utter complete fulfillment. There was a blinding flash of golden light.  And then silence.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	5. Chapter 5

The psi-scan beeped in Kryten’s hand as they stepped out of the lift.  He looked at it and froze. “What’s wrong?” Rimmer asked, immediately on edge.  “Have they moved?”   
“Sir...” Kryten’s voice wobbled.  “The psi-scan just lost track of a life form.”   
“What do you mean?  It lost the signal?”   
“No, Sir.  There were two life forms in the drive room.  Now there’s only one.” He let out a frantic whine.  The three of them broke into a run, pelting towards the drive room as fast as they could. Rimmer felt sick.   _ We’re too late.  We’re too late. Listy, I’m sorry I ever made you get out of bed.  I’m so so... _ _   
_   
They skidded around the corner.  And came face to face with Lister.  Standing buck naked in the corridor.  “Hey guys.”   
“Lister!”   
“Oh, Sir!  You’re alive!” Kryten hugged him with a wail.   
“Yep.”   
“And...naked,” Rimmer noted, still shaking slightly.   
“Yep.”   
“Is there any particular reason why?” Rimmer pressed gingerly.   
“Oh.  It turns out Kazansky was, I dunno, something not-humany.”   
“Like a psiren?”   
“Something like that.  I sorted it out. Everything is fine.”   
“I told you!” Rimmer bellowed triumphantly.  “I told you all!” He looked askance at Lister suddenly.  “Wait. Did you kill it? All by yourself?”   
“Yeah.”   
“Really?”   
“Yeah.”   
“You didn’t have a gun with you.”   
“I’m a badass.  Don’t look so shocked.  It attacked me, I fought it off.”   
Rimmer looked Lister up and down pointedly, “At what point in the proceedings?”   
Lister smiled tightly, “Let’s maybe not get into that.”   
  
Cat grinned lecherously, “So what shape did it take?”   
“Huh?” Lister looked at him blankly.   
“What shape did it take to get you into that unfashionable birthday suit of yours?”   
Lister hesitated for a second, then said, “Maybe we shouldn’t get into that either.  Let’s just go home.”   
“You must be exhausted, Sir,” Kryten shepherded him away.  “This whole adventure has been a huge strain on you.” He shot evils at Rimmer.   
“You’re still blaming me for all this?” Rimmer followed them.  “You two were the ones insisting he was perfectly safe with the bloodthirsty sex monster.”   
“I am tired,” Lister confessed quietly.  “It’s been...a weird day.”   
  
They headed back to Starbug mostly in silence.  When they finally arrived, Lister tottered wearily back to his room and fell down into the blankets with a heavy sigh, his eyes closed.  He really was shattered. Even so, a faint smile rose suddenly on his lips. He prised his eyelids open and gazed up into twinkling blue eyes.  “I don’t think they know,” he whispered. Kristoff nuzzled their noses together sweetly. “I don’t think they do. Good work, Blossom.” He kissed him.   
_ So now what? _ Lister asked silently.   
_ Now we get on with living our life together.  We just have to be careful, that’s all. They’ll try to separate us if they find out. _ _   
_ _ I won’t let them. _ _   
_ _ They’ll try to turn you against me. _ _   
_ _ Let them try.  We’re soulmates.  I love you. _ _   
_ _ I love you too.  But remember, we are one now.  There is nothing, no single thought or desire, that you can hide from me.  If you ever even think of leaving me, I’ll know. And I’m not leaving you without a fight. _ _   
_ _ You don’t have to.  I’ll never leave you.  Ever. _ _   
_   
In his own room, Rimmer tried to settle his nerves with some music.  As the ‘Lift Music Classics’ piped through the air, he tried to shake the dark cloud hovering over his thoughts.  Okay, maybe he did feel slightly bad about having prodded Lister into joining them on the expedition to the  _ Mirage _ but he hadn’t forced him to do it.  He was a stubborn little git who wouldn’t take advice, and he hadn’t come to any real harm.  But something was nagging at Rimmer. Something was off.   
  
Lister was hiding something.  If holograms had had bones, Rimmer would have felt the certainty in them.  He’d been too quiet, too calm, ever since they’d found him. He wasn’t acting like he’d been attacked.  Rimmer had experienced the dubious privilege of observing a post-trauma Lister more times than he cared to think about.  Today wasn’t the first time something had tried to kill him. Lister was resilient, but the detached nonchalance with which he’d shrugged off this new set of events didn’t feel right.  And Rimmer  _ knew _ Lister.  He knew when his voice was an octave too innocent, when his demeanour was an ounce too casual.  He could tell when something was forced. He could tell when something was wrong.   
  
There hadn’t been a scratch on him.  Not a single drop of blood, his or anyone else’s, to suggest a fight to the death.  But “Kazansky” had vanished, his life signs extinguished, so where else would he have gone?  And why didn’t Lister want to tell them? Was he embarrassed about something? What had happened in that room?  His nudity had been an undeniable giveaway that the creature must have been at least partially successful in seducing him.  But what could possibly be bad enough to embarrass Lister; a man who’d once performed outlandish sex acts on a polymorph disguised as his roommate’s mother?    
  
_ So what shape did it take?   _ Rimmer’s brow furrowed as he recalled Lister’s evasive answer.  It didn’t make sense. Why would Lister have been taken in? Surely he would have known he was in danger the moment his companion shape-shifted.  Unless...it didn’t.   
  
The creature, whatever it was, had chosen a form and persona to appeal to Lister right from the start.  Rimmer had spotted the clues and picked up on that almost immediately, but had assumed it was merely to gain his trust.  But maybe not. Kristoff Kazansky. Why  _ that _ name?  Why  _ those _ connotations?   _ Wow.  You’re tall, aren’t you?   _ Rimmer’s fingers tightened involuntarily into fists.   
The more he thought about it, the more he suspected that “Kazansky” had chosen the perfect form to ensnare Lister the moment they’d stepped on board.   
  
“I can’t...” Lister panted deliriously, “I can’t go again.  I’m so tired.”   
“You can’t lie to me, Blossom.  I can feel how much you want this,” Kristoff whispered against his ear.  They were skin-to-skin in the narrow bunk, and Lister was in a haze of contented exhaustion from yet another orgasm.  “I want it,” he whispered back, “I just can’t  __ do it.”   
“You don’t have to do anything.  Let me.” Kristoff’s body began to glow and vibrate as it had before, dissolving once more into golden mist that surrounded and suffused Lister’s body.  “Oh! Oh, that feels so good!” He gripped onto the pillow under his head in desperation. “I can feel you...in every part of me. Ah, smeg.” He twisted and moaned as the pulsating light spread through him, inside and out, throbbing in time with his pulse, finally convulsing him in a full-body orgasm that made his ears ring.   
  
Up in the cockpit, Cat’s ears twitched.  “You hear something?”   
“No, Sir.”   
“Meh.  Never mind.”   
  
  
  



	6. Chapter 6

“You look like crap, buddy,” Cat informed Lister the next morning, as he sat down at the table in Starbug’s mid-section.   
Lister glared at him, “Thanks a heap.”   
“You look fine, Sir,” Kryten soothed, putting some toast down in front of him.  “Just...a little tired, maybe?”   
“I didn’t get a lot of sleep,” Lister admitted grudgingly.   
“Well, you had a very stressful day yesterday.”   
“Yeah,” Lister agreed, taking a big bite of his toast.  “Stressful.”   
“Are you sure you’re feeling better?” Kryten put a hand on his forehead.  “You still feel a tad feverish.”   
“I’m fine.”   
  
“You’ve certainly not lost your appetite,” Rimmer remarked, watching Lister wolf down his breakfast.     
“Leave me alone.  I’m hungry,” Lister told him, through toast-stuffed cheeks.   
“You build your strength back up, Sir.” Kryten patted his shoulder and went to put more bread in the toaster.   
“Where’s Talkie when you finally need him?” Rimmer needled.  Lister didn’t reply. His gaze was distracted, as if listening to distant music.  “Lister? Lister!”   
“What?” Lister finally blinked and focused on him.   
“What’s wrong with you?  You were miles away.”   
“I was just thinking.  Calm down.”   
“Thinking about what?”   
“None of your smegging business.  What’s your problem?”   
“You weren’t listening to me!”   
“Was it important?”   
“If you’d been listening, you would know.”   
“I’ll take that as a no, then.  Gimme a break, Rimmer. I told you, I’m tired.”   
“Oh, yes.  From fighting off the big monster yesterday.  Tell us that story again.”   
  
Immediately, Rimmer saw a flicker of something in Lister’s face, although exactly what he couldn’t be sure.  “Can we not talk about this?”   
“Why not?  Don’t you want to bask in the glory of your heroics?”   
“No.  I’m not you.”   
“But you still haven’t told us what actually happened.”   
“Yeah, buddy,” Cat’s ears pricked up with interest.  “What  _ did _ happen?”   
Lister pushed back his chair and stood up.  “I don’t want to talk about it. Just let it go.”  He headed for the cockpit.   
“It turned into something freaky, am I right?” Cat called after him gleefully.   
“Let it  _ go _ ,” Lister repeated, with a dark warning glance over his shoulder.  Rimmer gritted his teeth in frustration. Cat was still grinning broadly.  “What do you say, Goalpost Head? Should we start placing bets on it?” Rimmer ignored him and followed Lister into the cockpit.  He’d already settled into his chair and had his feet up on the console, and didn’t turn around at the sound of Rimmer’s footsteps.   
  
“You know,” Rimmer said much too amiably, “the thought occurs, for all we know,  _ you _ could be the monster.”   
Lister looked round with a strange expression.  “You what?”   
“It was a shape-shifter, right?  So how do we know you’re the real Lister?”   
“Because you’re all still alive, Smeghead.”  Lister smiled tightly. “Present company excepted.”   
“Ooh, signs of wit.  Now I’m definitely suspicious.”   
“Give it a rest, Rimmer.”   
“I’m just saying, in the circumstances we probably should have been a little more cautious before letting you back on the ship with us.”   
“Too late now.”   
“Not necessarily.  Perhaps we should do a little test.”   
“Like what?” Lister’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.   
“Tell me something only Lister would know.”   
“Easy.”  Lister leaned back in his chair and gave Rimmer a dazzling smile.  “I know that you are not a fish.”   
Rimmer winced.  Well, it wasn’t the meanest thing Lister could have gone with.  “ _ I _ was going to pick the question.”   
“Go on then.”   
“Okay.”  Rimmer sat down in his own chair and looked hard at his companion.  “Who is the love of Dave Lister’s life?”   
Lister’s smile faltered.  “Why would you ask me  _ that _ ?”   
“Why not?”   
“It’s too obvious.”   
“Then answer it.”   
Lister’s smile faded away completely.  He seemed to be debating something in his head.  “Kochanski,” he said finally.   
  
Rimmer gave an exaggerated shrug.  “I guess it is you.”   
“That’s it?  No more questions?”   
“Nope.  I’m convinced.”   
“Alright then.  Good.” Lister spun his chair back round.   
“It didn’t turn into Kochanski, though.  Did it?” Rimmer added quietly. He saw Lister’s shoulders stiffen.     
  
At that moment, Cat decided to join them.  “I’ve got it!” He dropped into the pilot seat beside Lister.  “It turned into a curry woman! Like the mutton vindaloo beast!  And you made love to it then ate it!”   
“No!” Lister’s face contorted in disgust.   
“It makes perfect sense.”   
“It makes no sense at all, and it’s totally gross.”   
“That’s rich coming from you.  Last time you banged one of those things it was in the shape of Bonehead’s mom.  Oh my god.” Cat beamed sadistically. “Is that it? Is that what it turned into???”   
“Listen, you junk-brained jumped-up little...” Rimmer began but Lister cut him off.   
“Yeah,” he chirped brightly.  “That’s exactly what it was.”   
“Lister...” Rimmer growled.   
“You wanna know what it turned into?  Your mum. That’s what it turned into.”   
“I know that’s not true.”   
“Well, it’s the only answer you’re gonna get.  So stop asking.  _ Both _ of you.”   
“Okay, okay,” Cat said, “No need to be so moody about it.”    
“I’m tired and I’m hungry, and you’re picking on me.”   
“You literally just had breakfast,” Rimmer pointed out.   
“It wasn’t enough.  I want more toast. Kryten, where’s my toast?!” He yelled back into the mid-section.   
“Just spreading the bacon-chilli jam now, Sir!”   
“Good,” Lister focused on the read-outs.  “God, I could eat a horse.”   
  
After his shift ended, Lister returned to his quarters.  As soon as the door closed, he began to shed his clothes with a sigh of relief.  “Finally.”   
“Finally,” Kristoff echoed, suddenly standing in front of him and doing the same.     
“They’re driving me nuts,” Lister complained, immediately diving into his arms and dotting kisses over his bare shoulders.   
“They’ll lose interest soon enough,” Kristoff’s hands caressed him as he returned the kisses.  “We’ll make something up otherwise. Something to throw them off the scent.”   
“You think they suspect something?”   
“Something,” Kazansky confirmed.  “Rimmer, at least. But not enough to worry about.  Not yet.” They kissed passionately.    
  
_ -You’re still hungry, Blossom.  I feel it. _ __  
_ -I’ve been eating all day. _ __  
_ -You’re eating for both of us now. _ __  
_ -You’re going to make me fat. _ __  
_ -No chance of that, darling.  Every calorie you put away, I’m going to fuck right off you. _ __  
_ -Deal. _ __  
  
Kazansky tugged gently on Lister’s locks, coaxing him down to his knees.  He complied, eagerly pulling Kristoff’s trousers down as he went.  _ But before we do anything else _ , the voice in his head whispered,  _ I’m going to take the taste of her name out of your mouth. _ __  
_ -I had to say it.  It was what he was expecting. _ __  
_ -I don’t have to like it. _ __  
_ -You’re the only one for me now.  You know that. _ __  
_ -I know.  _ __  
  
Kristoff cradled his head, and Lister closed his eyes and opened his mouth, willingly taking the full length of his lover’s erect cock as it eased between his lips.     
_ You.  Are. Mine. _ __  
_ Yours.  Forever. _ __  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

Rimmer lay in his bunk, staring at a book and not reading it.  He kept replaying his conversation with Lister in his head.  _ Who is the love of Dave Lister’s life?   _ Yes _ ,  _ the question should have been too easy, too obvious.  So why had he hesitated? Why had he stalled, with that strange guarded look on his face before he answered?  

_ It didn’t turn into Kochanski.  Did it? _  Rimmer hadn’t seen Lister’s face in that moment, but he’d seen his body language.  The immediate tension. The words he hadn’t had time to say then rattled furiously at the bars of his mind now.   _ It didn’t turn into a woman at all. _

The psiren, polymorph, whatever it was, had undoubtedly plucked certain elements of Kochanski from Lister’s psyche.  She was clearly the touchstone, the love by which all other loves were judged; so much so that even the echo of her name was designed to call to Lister like a beacon.  But an exact duplicate would have been far too suspicious and it hadn’t chosen to replicate those elements in another woman. Or rather, _Lister_ hadn’t.  Assuming the creature’s instincts had been accurate, and it certainly appeared they had been, it wasn’t a woman Lister really wanted.  All of those feelings associated with Kochanski, all of that yearning and desire, had been transferred onto someone else; the fantasy of a tall handsome man.  But _who?_ Who was the blueprint for Kazansky’s physical form?

In all the years they’d known each other, Lister had never made any reference to a man in his life, or even to any kind of same-sex attraction, at least as far as Rimmer could remember- and he was pretty sure that was a revelation he would have remembered.  God knew he’d spent enough nights in Petersen’s room back in the day, maybe even in his bed, but Rimmer had never had cause to think there was anything more to that than drunken bonhomie. Besides, there had been nothing of Petersen’s boorish demeanour about “Kazansky”.  The ham-fisted, loud-mouthed, multi-tattooed Dane clearly wasn’t Lister’s fantasy man. Kazansky had been well-built - but slender, not beefy. Articulate, charming, accomplished. Polished but not snobby. A little bit playful. There’d been an unmistakable dollop of Ace in there, Rimmer had spotted that right away, but he wasn’t overly surprised by it.  Lister had been practically licking the jerk’s boots from the moment they met. Whether that association was romantic, sexual, or just simple admiration was hard to tell. Kazansky certainly hadn’t  _ looked _ much like Ace.  The hair was darker and shorter, the attitude more modest and less flashy.

Rimmer twitched with agitation.  He put down his book and headed purposefully out of the room.  He couldn’t deal with this. He needed to talk to Lister. He had to clear the air and tell him that he knew the truth.  He had to know who “Kazansky” really was.

He stopped outside the door to Lister’s quarters, fist raised to knock.  And stopped. There were voices inside. He couldn’t make them out clearly, but he could hear the rise and fall of conversation.  But Cat and Kryten were still in the cockpit, so how was that possible? He hammered nervously at the door. “Lister! Lister, open up!”

To his surprise, the door purred open within seconds.  Lister stood before him, sleepy-eyed and half-naked, a pair of unzipped black jeans sitting on his hips.  “What?” he yawned.

“Who were you talking to?” Rimmer demanded, peering over his shoulder.  The room was empty.

“Huh?  No-one.”

“I heard voices.”

“I was singing.”

“There’s no music.”

“I had a song in my head.  What do you want?”

 

Rimmer stalled.  This was a lot harder with Lister standing in front of him.  What was he supposed to say? How to start this conversation?  “I...need to talk to you.”

“Can it wait?” Lister sighed, looking up at him wearily.  “I’m knackered, man.”

“Sorry.  Were you getting ready for bed?”

“In a manner of speaking,” Lister replied flatly.  Rimmer looked down sheepishly at the V of bare flesh pointing to Lister’s groin like an arrow, and then at the rumpled blankets on the bunk.

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

“You can’t be  _ that _ tired then.” Rimmer joked nervously, then frowned.  “Didn’t you just say you were singing?”

“So?”

“You mean you sing while you’re…?”

“What?  You don’t?” Lister countered boldly.

Flustered as he was, Rimmer wondered if this might actually be an opening to the conversation he’d come here for.   _ Since we’re on the subject, would you mind telling me who you were thinking about while you were ‘singing’?  Was it anyone in particular? _ _ What side of the penis-spectrum did they happen to fall on? _  Rimmer made a slightly strangled noise in his throat, as he tried to form words.  Lister was still looking up at him, his dark eyes hazy with confusion and exhaustion.  Rimmer buckled. Clearly this wasn’t the right moment to start interrogating his companion about his sexuality.  “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Carry on. Sorry to have disturbed you.”

“Okay.  Goodnight.” Lister gave him a dubious look before closing the door.  Rimmer scampered back to his own room, red-faced.

 

_ -That was close, Blossom.  We’ll have to be more careful. _

_ -I think he bought it.  But yeah, silent talk only for a while. _

Lister slid his jeans off again and eased himself back into the bunk, where Kristoff had rematerialised, waiting for him naked in the tangled sheets.  He climbed into his arms and lay down, resting his head on his chest. _I’m so tired._

_ I know.  I can feel it.  But we’re not quite done yet. _

Lister managed a feeble smile.   _Sooner or later I’m going to need to sleep._

_ It will have to be later.  I’m not finished with you tonight.   _ Kristoff’s hands roamed him possessively. _  I want to mark my territory. _

_ What do you mean? _

_ I saw the way he looked at you just now. _

_ What?  Rimmer? _

Kristoff’s solid form suddenly melted away in Lister’s arms, and the golden fog swirled around him like a tornado, flipping him onto his back before violently possessing him.  Lister’s eyes flashed gold with the force of it and he cried out in a combination of pleasure and pain. _I know you noticed.  I am part of you. I sense your every thought and feeling.  You saw how his eyes moved over your naked skin._ In Lister’s mind he saw Rimmer’s face again, the way his gaze had slowly tracked downwards over his bare chest to the small exposed triangle of his pelvis.  He gulped slightly.

_ -Yes, I noticed.  But…he was just surprised.  That’s all. _

_ -You can’t lie to me or yourself.  Yes, he was surprised. But he was also aroused.  And so were you. You’re aroused even now, just remembering it. _

_ -In all fairness, Kris, I’ve been more or less permanently horny since we met. _

_ -Hmmm.  That is true.   _

Lister felt the soft pulse of his lover’s essence start to throb inside him as he began to make love to him from within, and he gasped out loud.  

_ -So I don’t need to...do anything...about this?  _ Kristoff asked carefully.

_\- No.  No. You have nothing to be jealous of.  I love you._ Lister gripped the sheets with a whine.   _Besides_ , _Rimmer can’t do this to me._

_ -Very well.  I’ll let it slide for now, Blossom, because I can feel that you mean it.   _

_ -So I’m forgiven? _

- _ Yes.  For now.  _ _ And just as a little reminder of what I can give you that he can’t…  _ The pulse intensified and Lister moaned.  ... _ I’m going to keep doing this until you pass out. _   
  



	8. Chapter 8

“Good news, sirs.  The scanners have picked up another derelict not far away, and this time there are absolutely no life signs.”  Kryten gave Lister’s head a reassuring pat, “So there’s no danger of a repeat of your last little adventure, Sir.”

“Sorry, buddy.  Looks like it’ll be a while until we find another nightmare beast for you to get your rocks off again,” Cat jibed.

Lister gave them both a small tight smile.  “No rush.” He stood up and leaned over Kryten’s shoulder to check out the screens.  “They look like they’re well-stocked though. Right now that’s higher on my list of priorities.  We’re running low on a lot of stuff.” He absent-mindedly hooked his thumbs through his belt loops and tugged his black jeans up a little.

Rimmer clocked the gesture.  His eyebrows lifted with surprise.  “Have you lost weight?”

“Huh?” Lister glanced over his shoulder.

“Your trousers are slipping down.”

“Are they?  I don’t know.  Maybe. Just a little.”

“How is that possible?  You never stop eating. There’s a snack of some sort in your hands 24/7!”

“Do you see a snack in my hands right now?”

“No, amazingly.  But it must be for the first time in weeks.  It’s no wonder our supplies are low.”

“What are you trying to say?” Lister folded his arms defensively.

“Not to side with Mr Rimmer-“ Kryten started cautiously.

“God forbid,” Rimmer sniped.

“- But you have had quite an appetite recently, Sir.”

“I’ve been poorly!  I had a shock!”

“So you should be getting fatter, not thinner,” Rimmer pointed out.

“What do you mean fat- _ ter _ ?” Lister protested indignantly.

“I’m not insulting you, Smeg-For-Brains!” Rimmer snapped, frustrated. “I am  _ concerned _ .”  

 

In fact, now he was really looking at Lister, the weight loss was noticeable.  His face was thinner, the collarbones beneath his oversized black t-shirt more prominent.  Also, the dark circles under his eyes seemed to have become a permanent feature. It was hard to pick up the small changes when you saw someone every day, but now he was paying attention, Rimmer realised that Lister actually didn’t look well at all.

 

“Maybe you’ve got a tapeworm?” he suggested.

“What? Ugh, no!” Lister pulled a face.

“It could be some other form of parasite,” Kryten mused.

“We never really checked you out properly after that shape-shifter incident.  You could be pregnant again for all we know.”

“I’m not pregnant and I don’t have a parasite!” Lister hugged himself anxiously.  “I’m fine!”

“I think we should put you through the medi-scan…”

“I’m fine!” Lister snarled.  “There is nothing inside me! I’ve just had a rough few weeks and lost a couple of pounds.  It’s not a big deal! Drop it!”

 

The three of them stared at him in surprise.  “I’m fine,” he repeated once again, lowering his voice.  “Let’s just go shopping.” He scurried out.

Cat turned to the others, “Is it just me, or is he acting weirder than usual?”

“It’s not just you,” Rimmer confirmed.  He shared a worried look with Kryten. “See if you can talk him into a check-up.”

“I’ll do my best, Sir.”

 

Lister rummaged through the kitchen cupboard in the mid-section and pulled out a snack bag of pretzels.  He opened it with shaking fingers. 

_ -Stay calm, Blossom.  We’re okay.  _

_ -They’re getting suspicious! _

_ -Everything’s going to be fine.  They don’t know anything. Eat your snack, your blood sugar is getting low again. _

 

Lister stuffed a handful of pretzels into his mouth and chewed them down.  He couldn’t remember the last time he hadn’t felt hungry. Or tired. No amount of food was ever enough, and sex was so much more addictive than sleep.  The ongoing lack of both proper nourishment and proper rest was making him scatter-brained and edgy. “I won’t let them do any tests or anything. I’ll be okay.  I just need to eat more - what do the health freaks call it? - nutrients. That’s it. I need to eat more nutrient-rich foods.”

“Are you talking to me, Sir?” Kryten popped his head around the door curiously.   There was a too-long pause before Lister said, “Yes.” Kryten observed his master with concern.  He looked nervous and his hands were trembling. 

“Sir, you’re shaking.”

“It’s freezing in here.”

“According to my internal thermostat the temperature is ambient.”

“Is it?”

 

Kryten looked him over critically, then said just one word.  “Bed.”

“Excuse me?”

“Now, no squabbling, Mister Lister.  If you won’t go to the medi-bay then you’re at least going to bed.  I’m not convinced that you’re fully recovered from that sinus infection and, as I said before, we don’t want a repeat of last time.  No fainting, no fighting with monsters, and certainly no other crude human f-words involving monsters either. This time you are staying put.”

“Okay,” Lister said limply.  “I guess I can hang out here for a while.  Take it easy.”

“Go on now.  To bed with you.  Shoo.”

“Alright, I’m going.”

 

Kryten returned to the cockpit.  “Mr Rimmer, I think it’s for the best if Mr Lister sits this excursion out.”

“Agreed,” Rimmer gave a curt nod.

“I mean it this time,” Kryten added pointedly.

“So do I!”

“He needs rest.”

“Look, I’m nodding.  I’m  _ agreeing _ with you, you ridiculous Roomba on legs.”

“Very good, Sir.  In that case, I’d be obliged if you’d stay here and keep an eye on things while Mr Cat and I investigate the derelict.”

“By  _ things _ you mean Lister, I take it.”

Kryten hesitated.  “I can’t be certain, but I think Mister Lister was talking to himself a moment ago.  He’s certainly not quite himself lately. I’d rather not take any chances leaving him alone.”

“What an honour.  I’m flattered you deem me worthy of supervising your precious Mr Lister for a whole afternoon,” Rimmer snarked.

“To be perfectly blunt, Sir, I don’t.  But I suspect the search will go more quickly and smoothly with just Mr Cat in tow, which means I’ll be back sooner.”

Rimmer glowered at him.  “I didn’t think it possible, Kryten, but I’d swear you were getting more cocky, self-important and uppity by the day.”

“Thank you, Sir.  I do take my Mech-Dev classes with Mr Lister very seriously.”

 

Rimmer fumed.  How were you supposed to insult someone who was actively working towards being more annoying?  “You just get on with your little fetch-and-carry mission to stock up on bog roll and doilies, or whatever it is, and I’ll make sure poor widdle helpless Listy survives without you for a few hours.  Okay?”

“We’ll have radios with us.  You can notify me immediately if anything is wrong.”

“He’s not a baby, Kryten, and nor am I.  Everything will be fine. We are more than capable of coping without you.”

“If you say so, Sir.  I’ll leave the radio on just in case.”

 

Rimmer rolled his eyes and left the cockpit in a huff.   _ Ridiculous mother-hen clucking metal git.   _ It wasn’t even as though Lister was really ill, he was just a bit out of sorts.  Either way, a brief window of alone time with Lister might not be a bad thing. As yet, Rimmer still hadn’t summoned up the courage to talk to him about the incident on the  _ Mirage _ , and he knew the longer he left it the harder it would be.  He couldn’t put into words why he felt such a need to unravel this mystery, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it until he learned the truth.  

He was trying not to think about what other questions, and possible issues, that truth might suddenly open up.  
  



	9. Chapter 9

Lister dragged himself back to his sleeping quarters.  He was barely through the door when his head started spinning and he staggered.  He fell neatly into Kristoff’s arms. “Steady, Blossom,” he kissed his forehead and gently propped him back on his feet with a smile.

“I feel giddy,” Lister clung to him, still wobbly.

“You’re just hungry.  Sit down, I’ll bring you something.”

 

Lister leaned against the table while Kristoff retrieved a bag of peanuts from the secret snack hoard concealed in the locker.  The room felt like it was swaying around him. “Here. Put away some nuts, little squirrel. We want you to make it through the winter.”  Lister took the proffered bag gratefully and started to eat.

 

_ -Is this what you used to feed Rusty? Your other little squirrel? _

_ -If I had lived that past, if that reality had existed, then I would have done.  Is that good enough? _

Lister felt a twinge of something; a combination of sadness and a creeping disquiet.   _ -I keep forgetting that this is just your current form. _

_ -This isn’t ‘just’ a form.  It’s not wrapping paper over something different inside.  I am Kristoff Kazansky.  _

_ -But you haven’t always been. _

_ -No.  I have been many people.  But that doesn’t make who I am now any less real. _

_ -How does that work? _

_ -From the moment we first bonded, you shaped me into what you needed most.  Your soul cried out and I was the response. You called me into existence. _

_ -But if I created you then how much of this is genuine? _

_ -It’s all genuine.  I didn’t make you fall in love with me, or vice versa.  I simply became the embodiment of the love you already held inside you.  In a sense, you were in love with me before we ever met.  _ He kissed Lister gently between the eyes.   _ You’d just been carrying me around with you until I could take shape. _

_ -So do you only love me because I created you that way? _

_ -No.  I love you because we’re so deeply connected.  Our minds, bodies and souls are irrevocably entwined.  We are one. What kind of love could ever be truer than that? _

 

Lister looked down at the now empty bag in his hands, then up into Kazansky’s handsome face, his eyes dark with worry.    _ Kris...Am I okay? _

_ -You’re weak and fatigued right now, but your body will adjust, and eventually you’ll be all the stronger for it. _

_ -Are you sure? _

_ -It’s like training for a marathon, my sweet.  It’s hard at first but the more you run, the easier it gets.   _ He took Lister into his arms and held him close. _  Trust me. _

 

Rimmer pottered around his quarters, wiping down surfaces that were already dust-free and adjusting items that were already perfectly aligned.  He’d put an ear to Lister’s door as he passed by and heard nothing, so he was probably sleeping. Either that or ‘singing’ very quietly. He was still debating whether or not to try and talk to him, or just let him rest.  Given his strange mood lately, he wasn’t sure how he’d react to any kind of confrontation. Tact had never exactly been Rimmer’s strong point, and this was something of a delicate subject, to say the least. But how often did they have a moment like this these days, just the two of them, with no threat of interruption?  Lister was more likely to talk honestly without worrying who else might be listening. Rimmer looked towards the door for a long moment, weighing it up, then gritted his teeth and headed for Lister’s room.

 

“You’re feeling better,” Kazansky said, stroking the back of Lister’s neck as they lay together in the bunk. “Your blood sugar has stabilised.”

“Yeah,” Lister managed a small smile.  “I think the peanuts did the trick.”

“Little and often, that’s the key.  It’ll keep you going and it’s less suspicious than binge eating.”

“I just hope Kryten brings back a good haul.”

“The ship had plenty in its stores by the looks of those readouts.  I’m sure it will be fine.” He began to nuzzle against him. “And now that you’ve perked up, maybe we should make the most of our alone time and make a little noise.”

“I’m supposed to be resting,” Lister reminded him with a coy smile.

“And indeed you should.  In fact, I don’t think I should let you out of this bed for at least twenty-four hours.”  Kristoff unbuttoned Lister’s jeans and slid them down, kissing his bare stomach. Lister raised his hips to help them off, then pawed them away with his feet.  “Twenty-four hours in bed?” he purred. “Easy-peasy. I’ve spent entire weekends in bed. With enough snacks, I can do twenty-four hours standing on my head.”

“Maybe we should give that a try.”  Kristoff scooped him up and manoeuvred him to the edge of the bunk, carefully tipping him off the side and bending him into a semi-handstand.  Lister giggled breathlessly, steadying himself. “I’m not sure this counts as resting, but what the hell.”

“Hey, your arse is still in bed.  It counts.” Kristoff bent his head between his naked thighs and Lister gasped.

 

Rimmer hovered outside the door for a moment longer.  How was he going to broach this? How to get Lister to be honest and open up to him?  He was likely to deny everything, at least to begin with, so how to convince him that he deserved the truth?  As he raised his fist to knock, doubt suddenly attacked him. What if he was wrong? Maybe he’d read too much into this.  What if this whole thing was a misunderstanding? What if he was projecting unresolved feelings of his own and he was actually the one about to humiliatingly expose himself…?

The last thought didn’t have time to fully take shape.  From inside Lister’s room, he heard a faint groan of pain.  He immediately straightened up in alarm. His current concerns about Lister’s sexuality immediately gave way to his earlier concerns about his health.  If nothing else, if anything happened to the little goit on his watch, Kryten’s reaction didn’t bear thinking about. Rimmer darted into the room, calling out anxiously.  “Lister? Are you okay? Are you…?”

 

Lister, still bracing himself on increasingly trembly arms, groaned louder as Kristoff lifted his buttocks off the mattress, pulling him deeper into his throat.  “Yes! Ah! Smeg, yes!” His heart was hammering, every muscle quivering, and the thrill of his lover’s smug delight at his reaction flooded through him in a double hit of erotic pleasure.   _ I love to hear you scream.  I love it when I make you feel so much pleasure you can’t contain it.  Scream louder for me, my darling. Let it out.  _ The tight sucking heat of that mouth moved from the base to the tip of his cock and then down again, Kristoff’s hands caressed his butt lovingly, and Lister obeyed; he couldn’t have held the cries in if he’d tried.  His hips jerked helplessly, his eyes screwed shut tight as orgasm began to build. “Yes! Yes!  _ Yes!” _

When he opened his eyes again, seconds away from coming, an upside-down Rimmer stood framed in the doorway, mouth agape.

  
  



	10. Chapter 10

“Agh!  Rimmer!”

Lister’s heart slammed, the shock compounded and magnified by feeling Kristoff’s response too, first to his own sudden alarm, and then the realisation they’d been discovered.  Lister’s arms gave way and he crashed to the floor in a heap.

Rimmer viewed the scene before him in paralysed silence.  His brain was trying to react in far too many different ways for his body to catch up.  He made a choking sound and groped for the door frame. Lister scrambled up onto his knees with a sheepish expression, his t-shirt mercifully falling to cover his glistening erection.  “What are you doing here?! I thought everyone had gone!”

“What am  _ I _ doing here???” Rimmer echoed, bug-eyed.

Lister looked at Kazansky on the bed, then back at Rimmer in the doorway.  He took a deep breath. “Don’t freak out…” he managed to squeak, before Rimmer, absolutely and entirely, freaked out.

 

He leapt forward, grabbed hold of a chair and brandished it at Kazansky, who hadn’t moved from the bunk.  “Gah! What is it doing here?!?”

“Rimmer…”

“Get behind me, Lister!  Get away from it!”

“You don’t understand!” Lister managed to grab onto one of the chair legs and tried to get Rimmer to drop it, but he held on tight.

“How did it get onboard?  I thought you killed it! How did it manage to seduce you  _ again?  _  Are you an utter moron?  I  _ knew _ that stupid ‘Kazansky’ persona was what turned your head!  The others thought it morphed into some weird triple-breasted hot alien floozy but I knew there was more to it!  Why didn’t you ever tell me you liked guys? What’s so special about that goit? Who is he anyway? Why won’t you let go of the smegging chair???”

“Oh my god!  Stop talking!” Lister yelled back.  “Put down the chair and listen to me!”

“Lister, this is no time to natter!  That thing is still sat right there! It’s...it’s lighting a cigarette!  What the…?”

“Rimmer!” Lister managed to wrench the chair away while he was distracted and tossed it aside.  “It’s okay!”

“But…!”

“He’s not a monster!  He’s not a thing!” To Rimmer’s increasing consternation, Lister turned soft doe-eyes on Kazansky.  “He’s my soul mate.”

“Your  _ what???” _

 

Kazansky took Lister’s outstretched hand and unfolded himself from the bunk to stand beside him.  He wrapped a possessive arm around Lister’s waist and took the cigarette from his mouth, popping it between Lister’s lips with a smirk in Rimmer’s direction.  “Do try to stay calm, Rimmer. I’ve had plenty of opportunity to slaughter you all horribly these last few weeks, and as you can see for yourself, I’ve done no such thing.  You are all, including Dave, in perfect working order.”

“You’ve been hiding this smug son of a bitch in your room all this time?” Rimmer demanded, “No wonder you’ve been acting so weird and jittery!  How have you been keeping this quiet? How did you even get him onboard without anyone noticing?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Lister insisted anxiously.  He took a drag on the cigarette to steady his nerves.  His hands were shaking and his heart was still racing painfully.  “I love him. That’s all that matters.”

 

Rimmer glowered furiously at Kazansky, “What have you done to him?”

“He hasn’t done anything to me!  I’m fine! You can  _ see _ I’m fine!”

“You are not fine!  It’s got you under its influence somehow.”

“Why is it so hard for you to believe this is for real, man?”

“Because it’s literally insane!” Rimmer bellowed.  “Let’s break this down, shall we? You met and fell madly in love with this guy in the space of an hour.  Then, rather than share this heartwarming story with your crewmates, instead you decided to tell everyone your sweetheart was a terrifying beast that you slaughtered, and then smuggled him aboard so he could spend forever hiding in your room.”

“Well, when you say it like that of course it sounds loony,” Lister muttered, stubbing out the cigarette on the tabletop.

“It  _ is _ loony, Lister.  It is not in any way sane behaviour.  And while I’m aware you’re not exactly a genius, I know you’re not crazy.  So the only explanation is that you are not fully in control of your actions.  You told the truth about one thing; he’s not human. Right?”

“He’s not dangerous.”

“If he’s not dangerous, then why all the subterfuge?  Why have you been lying to us?”

 

Lister turned to Kazansky with a pained expression.  They shared a long look without speaking, but Rimmer got the distinct impression there was a whole conversation happening that he wasn’t privy to.  “Hey!” He snapped his fingers irritably, “I’m still here! Stop staring moonily at each other and answer me!”

Lister looked back at him uneasily, “You wouldn’t understand.”

“So explain.  I want answers, Lister.   _ Now _ .”

 

Lister opened his mouth to speak and Kazansky’s arm tightened on his waist.  He immediately clammed up again. Rimmer saw and his eyes narrowed furiously.  “Let go of him.”

“David is mine.” Kazansky fixed him with a piercing glare.  “I will not let you come between us.”

“And I won’t let you keep doing...whatever it is you’re doing to him.  All of it!  Let go of the scouser, miladdo.”

“Rimmer, I’m telling you, we’re in love,” Lister pleaded.  “Just be happy for me, man.”

“Lister, this is not real.  Whatever you’re feeling, it’s not real.”

“Yes it is!”

“Then why won’t he let you talk?  I can see him holding you back! Why is he hiding and making you lie to your friends?  Why are you losing weight and shaking all the time? Call me a cynical bastard if you like, but I don’t believe in love at first sight, and I don’t think he’s your soul mate, and I sure as smeg don’t think this is true love.  He is not what you think he is.”

Lister’s eyes widened, suddenly filling with a fearful dread and desperation.  “Kris,” he said, voice rising in alarm. “Kris, don’t…”

Kazansky’s hand shot out and grasped Rimmer by the throat.  Lister grabbed his arm. “No! Stop!” 

Rimmer quickly switched himself to soft light and slipped his grasp.  “Nice try, Kazansky. If that  _ is _ your real name.  Which obviously it isn’t.”  He frowned suddenly and turned to Lister.  “How did you know he was going to-?” 

Lister wasn’t listening.  “We don’t have to fight,” he said soothingly, still holding onto Kazansky’s wrist.  “Let’s just explain. Maybe we can make them understand…”

“They’ll never understand, Dave.  They’ll try to separate us. I won’t let that happen.”  He turned his ferocious gaze on Rimmer again. “And I won’t let him try and take you away from me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Rimmer asked indignantly.

“Kris, just calm down.  He’s not…” Kazansky lunged at Rimmer again, this time plunging his hand into his chest.  Rimmer only had time to hear Lister’s cry of “No!” before his lightbee was grabbed and his projection was shut off.

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

When Rimmer finally opened his eyes again, the first thing he saw was Lister leaning against the table, watching him closely.  They were still in his quarters and he was still half-naked, clad only in the large black t-shirt he’d been wearing earlier that was only just covering his modesty.  “Lister...” he looked around nervously.  “Where is it?  Where’s Kazansky?”  He went to stand up and realised he couldn’t.  He’d been rebooted in hard-light mode and tied to the chair.  He immediately tried to switch to soft-light and failed.  His projection had been jammed.  “What’s happening?”

Lister walked towards him.“We need to talk.”

“Untie me, for smeg’s sake!We need to find that thing and warn the others.”

“No.”

“What do you mean ‘no’?You saw how he attacked me!”

“There was no other way.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You backed us into a corner.”Lister bent down so they were eye-to-eye.“So now we have to decide what we’re going to do.”

 

Rimmer looked into his eyes and saw something...strange.Shimmering inside the black of Lister’s pupils there was movement, like floating particles of gold dust but shifting with a rhythm, a purpose, like a flock of starlings.It was beautiful and hypnotic, but also horrifying.He felt his stomach twist.“You’re not Lister.”

“David’s feeling a tad overwhelmed by everything right now, so I took the wheel for a bit.”

“Get out of him!”

“He’s fine.He’s become very accustomed to sharing.”

“So that’s how you got onto Starbug.That’s how you’ve been hiding. You possessed him.”

“Possession isn’t the right word.”

“Then what is?”

“Symbiosis.Even when I have my own form, our consciousness is still shared.David and I are one now.”

“Not for long,” Rimmer growled.

“You can’t separate us.”

“If that was true, you wouldn’t be so scared.”

“If you try to pull us apart, we both die.I think we can all agree that’s an outcome we’d like to avoid.”

“Why should I believe you?”

“Would you want to risk it?”

“What are you?” Rimmer demanded.

‘Lister’ straightened up.“I am Cupid.”

 

“Cupid?A chubby-cheeked cherub with a bare arse and an overly sentimental streak?”Rimmer looked him up and down with a raised eyebrow.“Well, Listy certainly fits the description right now, but I’m not so sure about you.”

“Deep space is a lonely place to be.My purpose is to ease that loneliness.”

“So you’re what?Some kind of pleasure GELF?”

“Physical pleasure is meaningless without an emotional connection.”

“Well, I wouldn’t say _meaningless...”_

“I seek out those in need and give them what they require: true love.Passionate.Burning.All-consuming.”

“All-consuming is right, isn’t it?” Rimmer pressed.“That’s why Lister is wasting away.”

“David is strong.The symbiosis is taking its toll on him, but he will overcome it.”

“Is that why you chose him?You needed a strong host to contain you?”

“He chose me.Loneliness radiated from him like a beacon.He called to me.I felt it the moment you boarded my ship.”

“Lister isn’t lonely,” Rimmer snapped.“He has friends.He doesn’t need you.”

“His soul craved intimacy.He yearned for physical and romantic love.So I shot him with my arrow and gave it to him.”

“Your arrow?”

“My venom.My essence.” 

 

Rimmer remembered how Lister had collapsed when they first boarded the _Mirage._ “So he wasn’t really ill?That was you?”

“He had mild flu, that’s all.”

“I knew it!” Rimmer seethed.“Smegging Kryten, acting like I’d dragged him off his deathbed!He was fine!”He forced himself to focus on the matter at hand.“So if you pumped him full of venom, we just need to find an antidote.”

“The first arrow just creates the link.It allows me to read the host, to become what they need.Once a form has been successfully accepted, full symbiosis can take place.I unleash my full quiver of arrows into the host, creating a total telepathic merge with every part of the brain.Once the mind meld is complete, mutual orgasm triggers physical symbiosis.”

“Meaning?”

“An antidote isn’t enough.I am part of Dave now, mind and body.I am in every synapse, every tissue, every cell of his being.”

“Well, I want you out.”

“He wants me in.I’m not going anywhere.We love each other.”

“And how many of your previous lovers survived the relationship?” 

The not-Lister glared at him.“Things will be different this time.”

 

Rimmer clenched his fists.“I see.You know, I’ll be the first to admit that IO wasn’t exactly known for healthy relationships - the words ‘happy marriage’ were somewhat of a misnomer there- but where I’m from, actually killing your partner is considered bad form at the very least.”

“Dave is not going to die.I won’t let that happen.”

“He’s already dying.Look at him, look what you’re doing to him.He can’t sustain you.”

“He’ll adjust.”

“Did the others?How long did they last?”

“Enough!”

 

The not-Lister leaned into his face.“You think I don’t know what you’re trying to do?You want me gone for one reason.So you can have him for yourself.”

“Excuse me?”

“You think I haven’t seen how you look at him?You had your chance.If you’d given him what he needed, there would never have been room in his heart for me.Now there’s no room for you.Understand?”

“I don’t know what you’re insinuating.”

“You hated me the moment I appeared.Why?”

“Because you were a smarmy self-satisfied git.”

“Because you knew I was everything Dave could ever possibly want.More than you could ever be.”

“I didn’t even know Lister liked men!”

“But you knew right away that he liked me.”

“I knew you were trying to lure him somehow.You were as subtle as a brick.Kristoff Kazansky?Really?That was the best you could come up with?”

“I didn’t come up with it, he did.I merely became what he wanted.Either way, what _you_ want is painfully obvious.”

“Just because I don’t want you to kill him, doesn’t mean I want...that.”Rimmer protested, flustered.

“Really?” Lister’s hand reached out and tenderly stroked his cheek.“You don’t want this?”Rimmer held his breath.“You don’t want to kiss these lips?Hold this body?”Rimmer mentally tried to fight down the erection growing between his legs.He looked away from those dark inviting eyes but instead found himself looking at the ragged hem of the t-shirt skimming Lister’s exposed thighs.“You don’t want to make love to him?”

Rimmer gritted his teeth.“No,” he managed to croak.

“Fascinating,” Lister’s head cocked, as though studying a rare beetle.“So much emotion barricaded behind so much denial.Why, I wonder?”

 

Rimmer felt a holo-blush redden his face.“I am not in denial!Why would I be?I’ll have you know I am a very open-minded guy!”A smile twitched Lister’s lips at his words.“What are you smirking at?”

“Sorry, you didn’t hear that.Dave just roared with laughter.”

“What?He can hear all this?”

“Of course.”

“That little git!Lister, I don’t know what you’re laughing at!I’ve always been open-minded! When Rick and Sam got engaged back before the accident, I put in five dollarpounds to the gift collection!”

“He says you’re a tight-arse.”

“Tell him to come out here and say that to my face!Better yet, Listy, instead of making rude remarks, come out here and get your stupid boyfriend to untie me!”

“I think it’s best if Dave stays put for now and lets me handle this.”

“Does he get a choice?”

 

“You should be grateful,” Kazansky told him, avoiding the question.“The only reason you’re still alive is because he begged me to spare you.”

“Not actually alive, but thanks anyway, I suppose.”

“Whatever.You know too much.We’re going to have to fix that.Luckily, Dave knows how.”

“Oh no.No, no no!You stay out of my memories!”

“You are a threat to us.As long as you know I’m here, you’ll do everything you can to pull us apart.So we need you to forget.”

“Lister!Lister, you need to fight him!You need to stop this.He’s going to end up killing you if this goes on!Let me help you!”

“He doesn’t want your help.”

“Then let _him_ tell me.Let me talk to Lister.”

 

Kazansky paused for a long moment.From the look on Lister’s face, some internal conflict was happening.Then he blinked slowly, the face relaxed, the eyes softened and Lister was looking out at him.“Hey.”

“Oh my god, that’s so freaky,” Rimmer shuddered.“Lister, you have to get that jerk out of you.”

“I know this is weird,” Lister admitted, “but I’m happy.Really, I am.I don’t think I can live without him.”

“We’ll find a way.I don’t believe extracting him will kill you.Or him even.He survived without a host before he found you.”

“No, you don’t understand.I can’t go back to being alone again.”

“You’re not alone!You have us!”

“It’s not the same.You’ve never been in love, man.You don’t know what it is to share your heart and soul with someone.I can’t lose that.”

“Even if it kills you?”

“Some things are worth dying for.”

“Ugh!” Rimmer made a sound of disgusted frustration.“No wonder that thing latched onto you!If ever there was a treacle-brained simpleton who’d be willing to sacrifice himself for love, it’s you.”

 

“We don’t have to do this,” Lister told him wearily.“If you promise to keep our secret, if you can accept this for what it is, I’ll untie you.”

“Fine.I promise.”

Lister rolled his eyes and looked upwards disdainfully.“Yeah.Yeah, I know he’s lying.Thank you, Kris.”

“I’m not lying.I mean it.If this is what you want, then I support you.”

“Really?”

“I’d rather work together on this.That way, I keep my mind unmeddled with, and just maybe with the right support we can keep you alive.” 

Lister eyed him uncertainly.“You really mean it?”

“I don’t like this, and I can’t pretend I do. But if it’s the only way to save you, then fine.Someone has to know the truth about what’s going on here, for all our sakes.”

Lister smiled, and Rimmer thought he saw genuine relief in the smile.“I have to admit, it would be nice not to have to keep lying all the time.”

“We can handle this,” Rimmer told him, “ _If_ we do it together.” 

“Okay.” Lister leaned over to untie him.“Okay, let’s...”

 

But before he could even touch Rimmer, he doubled over with a loud cry of pain.

 


	12. Chapter 12

“ _ No _ .”

Lister drew himself up and stepped back, the golden lights dancing in his eyes.  “Nice try,” Kazansky said with his voice, “but I’m not buying it.”

“What did you do?  Did you hurt him?” Rimmer pulled angrily at the ropes binding his wrists.

“I had to stop him.  We can’t trust you.”

“ _ Lister _ trusts me.”

“Dave trusts everyone.  He’s too soft for his own good.”

“He sure as smeg made a mistake when he trusted you.”

“Quiet down.”

“I will do no such thing, Squire!”

“Not you,” Kazansky said witheringly.  “ _ Him _ .  Hush, Blossom.  I’m doing this for us.”

“Let him go!  It’s his body, you bastard.”

“It’s  _ ours _ .  I keep telling you, David and I are one.”

“You are not one!  You’re a parasite draining the life from him, and I will find a way to save him if it kills me!” Rimmer raged.  “Again,” he added grudgingly.

 

“I am  _ not _ a parasite.  And  _ you _ ,” Kazansky told him coldly, “are going to forget everything you saw this afternoon.  Dave will clear the memories out. You’ll think you suffered a brief glitch and everything will go back to how it was.”

“Don’t do it, Lister!  Don’t help him! He’s using you!”

Kazansky glared, “You’re upsetting him.”

“ _ You’re _ upsetting him!”

“I’m doing what I have to do to protect my relationship.”

“You’re only protecting yourself and you’ll sacrifice him to do it.   _ That’s not love!” _

 

“What do you know about love?” Kazansky sneered.  “You think your base desire for his body is worth more than the bond we share?”

“We have a bond too!  You share Lister’s consciousness, and all of his thoughts and feelings, so you know that, and you hate it, don’t you?  You keep saying you won’t let me come between you, because you know I can. You see me as a threat in more ways than one, admit it.”

“Yes,” Kazansky replied stiffly.  “He belongs to me, but he has an attachment to you, and I don’t like it.  If it was up to me, we’d have got rid of you permanently.” His expression shifted and he rolled his eyes with resentful disgust.  “Yes, yes, okay. Calm down. I’m not going to hurt him. I promised, didn’t I?” He directed his attention back to Rimmer. “As I was saying, I would have got rid of you, but he wouldn’t allow it.  So, yes, I  _ do _ know what you mean to each other.  In fact, I know it better than either of you do, it seems.  So let me spell it out.”

He leaned over Rimmer’s trapped form.  “You bicker, and you fight, and you continually claw for each other’s attention.  When you think he’s not looking, you stare at him like you want to eat him, and he pretends not to see because he doesn’t want you to stop.  And he’d give you everything you desire in a heartbeat, except he doesn’t just want you to  _ want _ him, he wants you to  _ love _ him, and you can’t because  _ you don’t know how. _ ”

Rimmer froze, staring into that too familiar face, emotionally whiplashed into stunned silence.  “Wow,” Kazansky raised Lister’s eyebrows. “That shut you both up. I must have touched a nerve.” He gave Rimmer a disparaging look.  “He cares for you, and yes, that makes you a threat, in your own little meaningless way. But you don’t know how to give him what he longs for, physically or emotionally.  You can’t compete with a lover who senses and fulfills his every need. You can’t compete with  _ me _ .  So don’t even try.”

Kazansky smiled suddenly and stretched.  “You know what? To prove my point, I’m going to do you both a little favour.  Seeing as you interrupted us earlier, Dave and I are feeling a tad...pent-up. I’m going to give you both what you want - while I come along for the ride, of course - and it’s not going to change a damn thing.  When it’s all over, Dave will still be mine. And you’ll have got what you always wanted, even if you won’t ever remember it after tonight.”

“What...what do you…?” Rimmer stammered.  His sentence was cut off by Lister’s lips closing softly on his.  

 

His stomach flip-flopped and his throat closed up.  But, despite his shock and alarm, his cock stirred strongly.  He whined in bewildered turmoil. “Shhh…” Kazansky whispered in Lister’s voice, gently nuzzling their noses together.

“I…”

“That ‘shhh’ was for Dave,” Kazansky interrupted, with a wicked smile that was so Lister that it made Rimmer tingle.  “He’s getting a touch agitated in here. Settle down, Blossom. You know you can’t lie to me. I can feel how excited you are.  And I’m going to allow it, just this once, so you might as well enjoy it.” He kissed Rimmer again, sinking down onto his lap, and Rimmer’s erection came up to meet him, immediately responding to the warm weight of his body.  

_ What the smeg is happening???   _ Rimmer was trembling from head to foot.  His brain and body were at war with themselves, and with each other, and he was paralysed.  He tried to form words, some kind of protest, some attempt at denial, but he couldn’t do it.  He was both horrified and intoxicated, and he couldn’t tell which emotion was greater. But when he felt Lister’s bare thighs squeeze him with eager, wanton abandon, the balance tipped.  He yanked at his bonds; yearning to break free of the damned ropes binding him and explore, to feel that satiny smooth skin under his fingers. 

Shaken by the strength of his own desire, he tried to claw back some self-control.   _ It’s not him.  It’s not him. It’s not really him.   _ Lister’s hands stroked his chest, his tongue darting lightly into Rimmer’s mouth as he writhed purposefully on his lap.  He could feel Lister’s erection now, pushing firmly against his stomach...

“Stop!  This isn’t right!” he managed to gasp out between kisses.  “He’s not a puppet for your amusement, you sick bastard!”

“Oh, don’t worry, Rimsy.  I’m doing the driving, but I’m using the map that’s in his mind.  That big beautiful hard-on you can feel is all his.” Kazansky moved one hand down between them and gave Lister’s cock a long lazy pull; the t-shirt now bunched up around his waist and concealing absolutely nothing.  “He wants this. And so do you. You two are making the music, I’m just choreographing the dance.”

“Oh fuck,” Rimmer choked out, because he didn’t know what else to say.  “Oh smeg.” Then Lister’s mouth was on his again, and strong fingers were pulling his trousers open, and his cock flew out as if it was spring-loaded.  He moaned helplessly as Lister squirmed on his lap, changing position to angle himself over the tip of his shaft. A warm clever thumb swirled around the head of his cock, generously spreading the wet slick there, and then he groaned in ecstasy as he was engulfed by tight delicious heat.  Lister sank down onto him, inch by gorgeous inch, clinging onto his shoulders, eyes closed, biting down on his lower lip in erotic delight, and Rimmer almost came there and then.

“Look at me,” he blurted out, and Lister’s eyes opened, twinkling darkly with gold dust.  “Look at me,” Rimmer repeated, “I need to know you want this. I need to know it’s  _ you _ .”  Lister gasped sharply, his head snapping back, and suddenly there was golden mist swirling around them both.  When he opened his eyes again, his expression was shell-shocked; but unmistakably Lister. Kazansky stood fully formed behind him wearing a bitter smile.  “It’s me,” Lister panted breathlessly, looking down into Rimmer’s equally unnerved face. He was on fire with a sizzling combination of lust and shame; he felt raw, crushingly vulnerable and exposed, but despite it all he was aroused as hell, and Kris was right.  He wanted this. He wanted it bad. “It’s all me.” He took Rimmer’s face in his hands and kissed him deeply, rocking himself blissfully on his cock, and making them both moan.

“Ah,” Kazansky sighed, sharing his pleasure, “you’re enjoying that, aren’t you, Blossom?  Is he as good as you always dreamed he would be?”

“Better,” Lister whispered against Rimmer’s mouth.  

 

Rimmer felt a shot of excitement and adrenaline go through him like an electric shock.  With a growl of effort, he burst the ropes off his wrists and sprang up out of the chair, lifting Lister with him, and shoved him up against the wall, holding him up as he fucked him.  “Yes!” Lister clung to him, wrapping his ankles together at the small of Rimmer’s back to hang on. “Ah, fuck, smeg, yes!” 

“That’s right,” Kazansky said behind them.  “Give it to him, Rimsy. Give him everything you’ve got.  It feels so good.”

“Ugh!”  The words made Rimmer’s skin crawl, even in the deepest throes of passion.  He grimaced, burying his face in Lister’s shoulder with a snarl, still burying his cock inside him.  “You...you devious, evil, disgusting snake. This isn’t over!”

“No.  But it will be soon.  So make the most of this because you’ll never get to do it again, and you’ll never remember how good it was.”

“Bastard!” Rimmer fumed through, gritted teeth.

“Rimmer,” Lister panted his name, stroking his hair, “it’s going to be okay.  It will all be okay.”

“I’m going to save you.  Somehow I’m going to save you from him, I promise!”

“I don’t need saving.  I just need this. Don’t stop.  Please, don’t stop.”

 

Rimmer screamed in frustration, so close to coming, and not knowing what the hell he was going to do once he did and this was over.  He felt Lister’s muscles clench in anticipation, heard him start to cry out, then he convulsed in Rimmer’s arms as the mist encircled them again and his eyes flashed golden.  “No!” Rimmer snarled. “Get out of him, you bastard! He’s mine!”

“No.  He’s  _ mine _ .” Kazansky purred in Lister’s voice, “And I never really left.  But I’ll let you two finish.”

With that, he was Lister again, coming helplessly in Rimmer’s arms with cries of pleasure that sounded like pain, and Rimmer came too, harder than he ever had in his life or death.

 

His legs gave way and he crumpled to the floor, tears running down his cheeks from the intensity of it all, and suddenly realised with horror that Lister had become a dead weight in his arms.  He was unconscious. “Oh god. Lister. Listy. Wake up.” He slapped his face lightly with no response. He grabbed his wrist and felt for his pulse. His heartbeat was fast and ragged. “Smegging  _ hell _ .”  

He scrambled back to his discarded trousers on all fours and dug out his radio.  He looked back briefly at Lister sprawled on the floor and made a sound of unmitigated fury and dismay.  “Goddammit all! I will never forgive either of you or myself for what I am about to do,” he said aloud.  Then turned on the radio. “Kryten! Kryten! You need to get back here now! I need your help!”


	13. Chapter 13

“So, let me ensure I understand this correctly,” Kryten said, as they stood over Lister’s motionless form in the medi-bay.  “You went into Mr Lister’s room to check on him, and found him engaging in vigorous sexual intercourse with the entity we know as Kristoff Kazansky.  You tried heroically to fight him off, but he turned into a cloud of golden mist, disappeared inside of Mr Lister, performed what sounds quite frankly like a  _ very _ clichèd villain monologue, then Mister Lister collapsed?”

“Yes!  How much simpler do you want it?”

“It all sounds a little bizarre, Sir.  Are you sure you’re not missing anything out?”

“Like what?  What else do you think happened?  What more do you want? That’s the whole story.  There’s nothing else to tell. No other events occurred.  There is absolutely nothing else of note I can impart. That’s it!”  Beads of nervous holo-sweat formed on Rimmer’s brow and he quickly wiped them away.

 

Kryten checked Lister’s vitals anxiously.  “He really is in a far worse condition than any of us realised. These results aren’t good at all.”

“Did he have a heart attack?”

“No, but according to the scan he is in an extremely weakened state.  He’s exhibiting symptoms of malnutrition and chronic overexertion. It’s all putting quite a strain on his body, particularly his cardiovascular system.  I think we should keep him sedated for a little while to try and let him recuperate.”

“That’s not going to solve anything unless we can get Kazansky… Cupid - whatever the hell that thing is - out of him.”

“Maybe we can tempt it out with a hot dog or something?” Cat suggested.

“I doubt it will be that easy, Sir.”

“Even if we can force it to materialise and contain its physical presence somehow, it won’t break the connection it has with Lister.  There’ll still be a little part of it nesting in his brain.”

“I’ll check all available databases for any relevant information.  It sounds like some kind of rogue GELF, perhaps an early failed prototype of the Symbi-morph species.  That would certainly fit with the telepathic venom darts you described.”

“Is there a known antidote to Symbi venom?”

“Not as such.  It’s not an actual chemical compound.  It’s more like...radio interference in the brain, or an EMP.  Symbi-morphs can generally retract their influence at will or on command.  I’ve never heard of them using the ability non-consensually.”

“It’s not entirely non-consensual though,” Rimmer looked down at Lister’s still face with a frown.  “That’s the problem.”

 

The sound of waves breaking on the shore caressed Lister out of his slumber.  The sun was warm on his skin. He opened his eyes and looked out onto paradise.  Blue skies, crystal waters and lush palms surrounded him. He was lying naked on a fluffy beach towel.  He wriggled his toes lazily into the soft white sand and sighed contentedly. “Hey,” Kristoff murmured in his ear.  

Lister smiled and rolled over to face him.  “Hey. Where are we?”

“Fiji, Blossom.  Where else?”

“Is this real?”

“Let’s just say it’s real for us.”

“Good enough.”

 

Lister propped himself up slightly. “I feel strange.  Groggy almost. Like I’ve been asleep for a really long time.”

“You had a little nap in the sun, that’s all.”

“It’s lucky I didn’t burn.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen.”

“I can’t even remember what we were doing before I dropped off.”

“Each other mostly.”  Kristoff smiled, and handed him a fruity mango cocktail to sip.  It was cold and sweet and contained an irresponsible amount of alcohol.  It was perfect.

As soon as he set the glass down, Kristoff curled an arm around him and pulled him back down into his arms.  They kissed softly. “This is so nice,” Lister whispered dreamily.

“It’s heaven.”  Kristoff’s fingers lightly brushed sugar-fine sand from Lister’s skin.  The scent of the warm sea breeze curled over them.

“I could stay here forever,” Lister said, gazing into his lover’s bright blue eyes.

Kazansky smiled back.  “You can.”

 

“Something’s happening,” Rimmer stood up, squinting at the medi-scan.  “His brain activity has picked up.”

“That’s odd.”  Kryten joined him.  “Humans don’t generally dream while under sedation, only when it’s wearing off.  He shouldn’t be coming around just yet.”

“Well, something’s going on in there.  Look at the readouts.”

“Whatever he’s experiencing, it must be deep in his subconscious mind.”

“Is this bad?”

“Not necessarily.  But you know how a person in light sleep can be aware they’re dreaming, even control the dream to some extent?”

“I get that!” Cat nodded.  “Sometimes I dream I can change clothes just by snapping my fingers!”  He demonstrated, then looked down at himself in disappointment. “Dammit.  Still awake.”

“Shut up.  Kryten, you were saying?”

“Well, this may induce the opposite scenario.  If Mister Lister is dreaming, it’s unlikely he knows it.  Anything happening will feel intensely real.”

“Man,” Cat cringed, “for his sake, I hope it’s a good dream.”

 

Lister and Kazansky frolicked and splashed in the surf, a seabird overhead echoing their joyous laughter.  Kristoff caught him by the waist and they tumbled down together in a passionate kiss, a gentle wash of water and glittering sea foam spilling over their bodies.  Kristoff looked down at him adoringly. “God, I love you Dave. I love you so much.”

Lister blinked.  “Huh. Deja-vu.”

“Oh?”

“You’ve said that to me before.  But I can’t remember when.” The faintest frown crossed his face.  “Or maybe it wasn’t you. Maybe it was someone else. A long time ago…”

“I’m sure I’ve said it before and I know I’ll say it again.  Because it’s true.”

Lister smiled, his heart aflutter.  “I love you too.”

They kissed again, rolling over and over each other, the steady lap of the water rising again to spill over them in an exhilarating rush, its cool touch doing nothing to quell the heat building between them.

 

“His blood pressure is spiking again,” Rimmer said fearfully, “and his heart rate is climbing.”

“This isn’t good,” Kryten fretted.  “We need to keep him calm somehow.”

“I don’t get it,” Cat chimed in.  “Is he having a nightmare?”

“There’s no way of knowing.”

“Can we up the sedation?” Rimmer asked.

“We could give him a full general anaesthetic.  It would probably do the trick, but in his current frail condition it would carry its own risks.”

“Hey!” Cat interrupted, ”Check it out!”

 

Rimmer and Kryten looked down at Lister on the bed.  A golden shimmer was rising off his body, steadily surrounding him in an undulating, pulsating haze.  “Extraordinary! Is this what you saw before, Sir?”

“Yes, that’s him!   _ It.  _  Whatever it is.”

“Shiny,” Cat pawed at the mist curiously.  “Ooh! And tingly.”

“Stop playing with it.” Rimmer snapped, batting his hand away.

Kryten looked at the pattern of the brain activity on the screen.  “Oh. Oh my.”

“What?” Rimmer demanded.

“Look at this.  All of the pleasure centres of Mr Lister’s brain are lighting up like the Las Vegas strip at sundown.”  

“So he’s not having a nightmare, he’s having a sex dream?” Cat grinned.

“He’s having sex,” Kryten corrected.  “At least, his body thinks he is.”

“What?” Rimmer exploded.  “Again?! We only just  _ had _ sex!”

 

His companions turned from the screen to stare at him.

“Beg pardon, Mr Rimmer?”

“Say what, Goalpost Head?”

Even Rimmer’s toes blushed.  “I  _ said _ , ‘he’ only just had sex.  Like I told you, remember?”

“Ah, yes, of course.  Well, you did interrupt matters, so perhaps they just picked up where they left off.”

“I was rather hoping I had...quashed that urge.” Rimmer tried not to visibly pout.  “No wonder he’s such a wreck if that’s the rate they’ve been going at it these past few weeks.”

“His body can’t withstand this level of exertion and stimulation for much longer.  I’m quite astounded he’s managed to last this long as it is.”

“Putting aside the weird and uncomfortable subject of Gerbil-Face’s sexual stamina,” Cat wrinkled his nose, “what are we gonna  _ do _ about it?”

 

“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do,” Rimmer growled, clenching his fists.  “I’m going to put a stop to it.”

“How, Sir?”

Rimmer straightened up, “Remember Laredo?”

“Ah!” Kryten raised a finger, “Interesting!  That might actually work!”

“You’re going to mosey into his sex dream, Cowboy?” Cat pulled a face.  “Rather you than me.”

“If nothing else, your presence in the scenario should certainly kill the mood,” Kryten said cheerfully.

“Yes.”  Rimmer gritted his teeth. “Let’s hope so.” 

“I’ll get the dream recorder and AR machine set up right away.  The sooner we can intervene, the better.”

“Good luck, Buddy,” Cat said doubtfully.  “I can’t imagine the chapati-chomping chipmunk is gonna be too pleased at you spoiling his fun.”

“So what?  You think I should just let him die?” Rimmer scowled.

“Hey, I didn’t say that!  But c’mon…” Cat flashed a fangy grin, “...What a way to go, am I right?”

 


	14. Chapter 14

Rimmer strapped on the AR helmet and pulled down the visor.  He heard a brief clatter of computer keys, then felt the familiar lurch of disorientation - like the feel of a lift descending- as he ported into the waiting scenario.  The darkness splintered into coloured pixels that re-assembled in front of him to form....a tropical beach.

He squinted in the sudden bright sunlight, looking around with an irate scowl.  It was beautiful. Postcard perfect. That lascivious louse had spirited Lister away for a honeymoon break inside his own smegging mind.  It was infuriating. Rimmer stomped off down the beach, his boots leaving angry tracks in the sand.

Lister was lost in a giddy haze as Kristoff made love to him in a gently swaying hammock under the shade of a palm tree.  Light-headed from a combination of cocktails and endorphins, he murmured with sensuous delight at the feel of his lover in his arms; limbs and tongues intimately entwined, all the while that sparkling golden essence enveloping him, flowing through him, filling him with intoxicating pleasure within and without.  Every time he thought he was done, that he couldn’t possibly come yet again, Kristoff drew another orgasm from him, as easily as a vampire drawing blood; and he was a helpless but oh-too-willing victim. There was nothing else he needed or wanted; not food or water or oxygen, just this. Just the fusion of his lover’s body with his, in an unending dance of sexual ecstasy.

The dance came to an abrupt and shocking close as Rimmer tossed a bucket of cold seawater over them, and they both spilled out of the hammock with a shriek and a _flump_.  “AGH! What the hell?!” Lister squealed, wiping his dripping face.

“You!” Kazansky hissed.  “How did you get here?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Rimmer replied firmly.  “ _You_ are leaving.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”  Kristoff helped Lister to his feet, and put a possessive arm around his shoulders.

“Get your hands off him,” Rimmer growled, stepping forward.  

Lister quickly moved between them.  “Rimmer, what are you playing at? What are you even doing here?” he demanded angrily.

“I’m trying to save your life, you gimboid!” Rimmer snapped back, trying desperately not to make eye-contact with Lister’s unwilted erection.

 

“What are you talking about?  We’re on a deserted tropical beach, where’s the danger?  You think I’m gonna get eaten by a passing shark?”

“You don’t remember anything, do you?  You don’t know what’s happening,” Rimmer realised.  He didn’t know whether to be relieved or offended. “You don’t know where we are.”

“We’re in Fiji.”

“This is not Fiji.”

“Then where are we?” Lister challenged him sarcastically.  “Rhyl beach?”

“Lister, we’re inside your head.  None of this is real.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t listen to him, Blossom.  He’s just trying to spoil things.” Kazansky rubbed Lister’s shoulders lightly.

“If this is Fiji then how did I get here?” Rimmer folded his arms.  “More to the point, how did _you_ get here? _When_ did you get here? Go on, tell me.”

 

Lister opened his mouth, then closed it again.  “I...don’t remember,” he admitted nervously.

“You’ve just had a few drinks, that’s all,” Kris told him soothingly.  “Of course you’re a little fuzzy-headed. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“What _is_ the last thing you remember?” Rimmer pressed, trying to control the tremble in his voice.  It was a dangerous question with Cat and Kryten watching all this, but he had to try and break Lister out of this spell somehow.  Lister’s eyes darted back and forth uneasily as he tried to think. “I don’t know. I just remember waking up here with Kris. Everything before that is blurry.  I mean, I know who you are. I know who I am, where I _was_ but...” he trailed off.

“...But it’s not important,” Kazansky finished for him gently, giving his shoulders a loving squeeze.  

Lister turned and looked up at him with a soft smile.  “Yeah. Exactly.”

 

Rimmer saw the blank, docile look in Lister’s eyes and realised just how strong Kazansky’s hold on him was.  Even here, deep down in his subconscious, he was totally in thrall. He wanted to drag him out of the thing’s grip and shake him.  “It _is_ important. Lister, look at me. Look at me!” Lister reluctantly tore his gaze away from his lover’s face. “Right now, you’re lying unconscious in the medi-bay with a raging fever and a dangerously high heart-rate.  Your blood-pressure is going through the roof.”

“So this is some kind of fever-dream hallucination?  Is that what you’re trying to tell me?” Lister looked unconvinced.

“Something like that.  You’re so deeply sedated, you shouldn’t even be dreaming.   _He’s_ doing this. He’s created this in your mind to keep you trapped here in some kind of…sex coma.”

“Sex coma?” Lister smirked.  “That’s ridiculous, man.”

“Really?  What have you been doing ever since you woke up here?  He’s draining the life from you and your body can’t take much more.”

“If this is all in my head, then how are we having this conversation?”

“I’m using the AR machine to penetrate your coma dream -like we did with Kryten and the Armageddon virus, remember?”

“Yeah,” Lister replied cautiously.  “I remember. But...”

“This is just like that,” Rimmer insisted.  “Only this time he’s the virus.”

“Best damn virus I’ve ever had,” Lister purred dreamily, nuzzling up to Kazansky with a naughty smile.  

“Lister...”

“Ignore him,” Kazansky cooed.  “He just came here to stir up trouble.  You’re fine. Let’s get back to what we were doing.”

 

“Oh no you don’t!” Rimmer raged. “This love-in is over, and I am not leaving here until you and every last one of your poison arrows are out of him, _Cupid_.”

“You still don’t get it, do you?  I’m here to stay. Dave and I are happy, just leave us alone.”  

“Yeah,” Lister agreed.  “You’re kinda killing the mood, man.”

“I’m killing the mood to stop him killing you!”

“Don’t be daft.  Kris isn’t going to kill me.”

“Do you remember any of what I just told you?”

“You must’ve got it wrong, man.  I feel amazing. Seriously, do you know how long it’s been since I felt this good?”

“You feel good because your brain is flooded with endorphins, but in reality you’re dying.  Out there on Starbug, with Cat and Kryten watching over you in the medi-bay, you are _dying_ , Lister.  Understand?”

 

Lister’s smile slipped.  He reached nervously for Kazansky’s hand.  “Kris...?”

“He’s exaggerating.  You aren’t going to die.  I wouldn’t let that happen and nor would they.  They’ll take care of you out there, while we’re safely together in here.  It’s perfect.”

“Until his heart gives out,” Rimmer added pointedly.

“Even if that was a genuine risk, you’ve got plenty of ways to deal with it.  You have life support. You have deep sleep units. You can keep him alive.”

“And that’s all you care about, isn’t it?  That he’s alive enough to sustain you. So long as he’s got a pulse, you’re okay.”

“So long as he’s got a pulse, _we’re together._  This is the best solution. The coma state will preserve his energy, you can see to his physical needs, and we can be together without interference.”

“ _I’m_ interfering.  Do you really think you can live in this fantasy forever?”

“We can,” Kristoff said.  “We can stay here on this beach, just the two of us.  We have everything we need.”

“While he wastes away in reality.  I don’t think so. I’m not going to let it happen.”

“It’s not up to you,” Lister told him stiffly.  

 

Rimmer stared at him, shocked.  “You heard what he just said. You heard him admit he doesn’t care what it’s doing to you!”

“Nor do I.  He’s right. You can keep me alive if you need to.  He was right about everything. He said all along if anyone found out about us that you’d try to separate us.  At least in here we can have a life together.”

“Lister, this isn’t a life.”

“It’s the closest I can get.”

“That’s not true.  You have a life out there.  People who care about you. People I thought you cared about.”  He swallowed down the hurt and frustration. “Look, I know you’re lonely.  That’s how he snared you. That’s how he’s manipulated you. But you aren’t alone.  You have all of us.” He paused, his heart thumping. “You have _me_.”

Lister looked back at him, his eyes misting over.  “I know,” he said softly. “And I do care. But it’s not enough.”

“It could be.” Rimmer took a step towards him.

“Rimmer, you have to understand, I _love_ him.”

“I do understand.  But you don’t remember what happened before you woke up here, and it’s important.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Kazansky snarled.  “He’s made his choice.”

“It’s not a choice if he doesn’t remember,” Rimmer snarled back.

“I don’t remember anything.” Lister told him fretfully.  “Why can’t you just tell me?”

Hideously aware of their unseen audience, Rimmer stalled.  “I’m not sure you’d believe me.”

Kazansky scoffed.  “He’s wasting our time, Blossom.  Don’t worry about it.” He massaged Lister’s shoulders tenderly.  “You and me, that’s all that matters.”

 

Rimmer saw Lister’s eyes glazing over and shoved Kazansky back hard.  “Stop touching him! Leave him alone!”

“Rimmer!” Lister protested.

“He’s distracting you.  He’s trying to cloud your mind.  Think, Lister! Close your eyes and think!  You have to try and remember what happened!”

Kazansky lunged at him and grabbed him by the throat.  “No!” Lister blurted out, reaching for Kazansky’s arm. Suddenly he swayed on his feet, dizzy, as a memory rose up inside his head.

 

_-We don’t have to fight...Let’s just explain.  Maybe we can make them understand…_

_-They’ll never understand, Dave.  They’ll try to separate us. I won’t let that happen...And I won’t let him try and take you away from me..._

 

Kazansky squeezed Rimmer’s throat, “You can’t switch to soft-light here, Rimsy,” he growled.  “And you can’t come between us, physically or otherwise.  I don’t _need_ to touch Dave, we’re in his head. This is where I live.  And I am _very_ comfortable here.” 

“So am I,” Rimmer rasped back.  He swung his fist and clocked Kazansky hard in the face, knocking him backwards.  “I’ve been in Lister’s head three million years longer than you, you bastard.”

Kazansky dove back at him and they fell to the ground fighting.  

  
  
  
  
  



	15. Chapter 15

Lister watched them brawling with dismay.He went to stop them, his legs shaking beneath him.“Don’t...” he said, and another memory crash-landed.

- _Don’t hurt him!You promised you wouldn’t hurt him!_ An image flashed across his mind of Rimmer tied to a chair.The blue sky above them dimmed as thunderclouds started to gather on the horizon.He stumbled, clutching his head.

Kazansky looked up at him, alarmed, and managed to fling Rimmer off.He scrabbled to his feet and wrapped Lister in his arms.“Hey, hey, hey.Don’t get upset.”

“Something happened,” Lister said, still shaking.“I remember something.You two were fighting and....”

“It’s okay.Don’t worry about it.Everything’s fine,” Kazansky soothingly caressed his bare back.

“Oh, is it all starting to flood back now?” Rimmer piped up, climbing to his feet with sand in his hair.“How your sweetheart wanted to get rid of me?How he was going to wipe my memories so he could keep feeding off you uninterrupted?”

“He was going to split us up, Blossom.Remember?He’s still trying to split us up.Don’t listen.”

 

Lister felt strange; like he was standing on thin ice or shifting quicksand.He was balancing at the edge of some strange membrane that he couldn’t quite see through, but there was something underneath, something frightening, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know what it was.

In his head, he saw Rimmer in the chair.He saw his own hand reaching out to him.Then... 

He flinched.He stiffened in Kristoff’s arms, and looked up at him.“Kris.Did...did you hurt me?”

“No!Of course not!”

“Yes, he did!” Rimmer bellowed triumphantly.“You tried to untie me, and he wouldn’t let you!”

“I just stepped in briefly, that’s all.I wouldn’t hurt you.”Kristoff cupped his face and stared into his eyes.“I’d _never_ hurt you.”

“You’re killing him as we speak, you slimeball!”

“Everything I’ve done, everything I’m doing, it’s all for us, Blossom.You know that.”He stroked Lister’s face.“It’s all for love.”

“He doesn’t love you!This is not love!” Rimmer shouted at him.

“Shut up!” Lister yelled, spinning to face him.“Just shut up!Just go!Why can’t you let me have this?This is all I want, all I’ve _ever_ wanted!Just Fiji and someone to share it with. _I just!Want! To be!Happy!”_

 

Thunder rolled above them ominously and the palm trees started to sway.“But it’s not real,” Rimmer stressed.“And if it’s not real, it’s not worth dying for.It’s not worth giving up _everything_ for.”

“It’s real to me.Right here, right now, it’s real, and that’s enough.”

“Face it, Rimsy,” Kazansky said smugly.“Real or not, I’ve got more to offer him than you have.More than you _ever_ had.” 

 

_You can’t compete with me._ The words echoed in Lister’s mind.The thunder boomed overhead, the storm drawing in.

 

“I am everything he’s ever dreamed of.His perfect match.His heart, his soul, his body, all belong to me.You are nothing by comparison. I am his _soulmate_. You-” he sneered, “are just his roommate.And you aren’t even that anymore.He lives here now.With me.As of this moment, you are just...” he gave Rimmer a cruel pitying smile, “...a person he met.”

 

Rimmerscreeched in rage.“Gah!”He leapt on Kazansky and slammed him back to the ground.“You son of a bitch!”

“Stop!” Lister tried desperately to drag them apart, but he still felt weak and dizzy, and Rimmer clung to Kazansky like a man possessed, beating him against the ground. 

“I won’t let you do this!I won’t let you do this to him!”

“Dave has made his choice.He chose me.”

“He chose nothing!You drugged him, you poisoned him, you’ve been pulling his strings like a marionette since the second you found him!It ends _now!_ ”

“You can’t separate us.There’s nothing you can do.Nothing!”

“Get out of him!” Rimmer raged.“Get out of him!Just let him go!”

“Never!” Kazansky hissed, angry golden light filling his eyes.

“Get out of him, you bastard!” Rimmer roared, his fist rearing back.

 

- ** _Get out of him, you bastard! He’s mine!!!-_**

 

The memory hit Lister like a wrecking ball.His back against the wall, his legs around Rimmer’s waist, Rimmer’s cock deep inside him, both their orgasms in full flow. 

Lightning flashed above as his legs gave way. At the same second, Rimmer’s fist crashed into Kazansky’s face with the force of a meteor strike. His form twisted, dissolved and split apart into the golden swirling mist.Rimmer fell face-forward into the sand.

 

“Rimmer,” Lister panted, sitting dazed on the ground.“Did we...?Did we...?”

Rimmer looked back at him, both elated and terrified.“You remember?!”

“Is it true?We actually...?”

“Yes,” he interrupted quickly.“Yes, we did.”He pointed discreetly upwards. _They’re watching._

“Oh my god.”Lister gulped.“Holy smeg.”

“That’s what I was trying to tell you.You don’t need him.”Rimmer crawled over to kneel in front of him.“You never did.”

“I didn’t know you felt...You never said...” There was a catch in Lister’s voice.

“Well, to be fair, neither did you,” Rimmer protested.“I didn’t even know that you...”The question that had haunted him from the start surfaced once more in his head.“Lister, who _is_ he?”

“You really don’t know?” Kazansky asked from behind him, shimmering back into form.

 

His image rippled and shifted like golden static.A small woman with a pinball smile appeared.“You know who I am.”Her skin and eyes darkened, the limbs lengthened, and Lise Yates appeared.“And I believe you’ve met me.” 

Rimmer blushed, “In a manner of speaking.”

The voice deepened as the body shifted again, becoming taller and broader, “And you know me very well, old chum.”

Rimmer gave Lister a withering look.“Really, Lister?Commander Smug-Git?”Lister shrugged sheepishly.“I should’ve known.”

“With hindsight, maybe you should.”

“But then, you are a smeghead.” Another voice added cheerfully. 

Rimmer looked round in disbelief.“You?!”He rounded on Lister.“Him?!”

“Yeah.” Now it was Lister’s turn to blush.“So what?”

“He was such a pompous prick!”

“No, he wasn’t.He was a nice guy.” Lister’s eyes flitted over appreciatively.“And he was _very_ tall.”

“I cannot believe you had a crush on Todhunter.Of all people!”

“It wasn’t a _crush_.” Lister rolled his eyes self-consciously.

“You mean...” Rimmer’s brain short-circuited.“...you...?”

“Yeah.”

“When???”

“A few times.Calm down, it was never serious.”

“He shouldn’t have been fraternising with junior staff!”

“I’m not sure I’d call it fraternising.But it was fun.”

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Because you’d have gone apeshit back then, don’t pretend you wouldn’t have.You’d have got us both in a heap of trouble.Besides...”

“Besides,” a new and terrifyingly familiar voice interrupted, “he had his reasons.”

 

Rimmer’s head whipped round.His eyes widened.“What…” he stammered, speechless, “I mean, who….How?”

“Don’t sit there jabbering.”The Cupid-Rimmer scolded.“You can’t honestly be that surprised, given recent events.Not even you’re that smegging dense, surely.”

Rimmer was suddenly incensed, “You…you…interloper!How dare you appropriate my image for your nefarious purposes!”

“I just happened to amalgamate the most viable personas available within Lister’s subconscious,” Cupid-Rimmer retorted loftily, “If that happens to include you, then don’t place the blame at my door.”

“Lister!” Rimmer turned back to him, genuinely unsure whether to be angry or flattered.

Lister was cringing, his blush now vivid.“You aren’t bad looking, you know, when you’re not being an arsehole.And you can be pretty funny from time to time; again, when you’re not being an arsehole.”

“I don’t believe this.”

 

“Not that any of it matters,” Kazansky pulled back into his usual form.“You’re just one small fraction of Dave’s ideal partner.I’m the whole package; a combination of everything you just saw and more.I’m every adolescent crush he ever had, every friend who ever mattered, every casual fuck that blew his mind.I can read his thoughts, adapt and respond to his every desire, fulfil every need without him even needing to speak.We can communicate without even opening our mouths.The two of you shared a room for years and couldn’t even manage to communicate something as major as wanting to fuck each other, until I showed up.”

Lister and Rimmer both drew in a sharp breath, shared a pained look, and instinctively glanced upwards.“You see?” Kazansky told them.“You’re more embarrassed about your companions knowing that you finally boned than you are about how long it took you to get there.This is not a healthy relationship.You really think you can give him anything like what I can?You can’t even come close.”

“You’re right,” Rimmer said stonily.“What we have doesn’t even come close.It’s better.”He stood up.“It’s _real_.It’s not because I shot venom into his brain.It’s not a drug or an obsession.It’s not a movie.We’re just two stupid idiots who annoy each other, and fancy each other anyway.We don’t share every thought and feeling - and thank smeg we don’t, quite frankly - but we don’t have to.Because we actually know each other.We can tell when something is wrong without telepathy, thank you very much.And you know what?Sometimes we don’t need words to speak either.We can share a look and know what each other are thinking.Usually it’s ‘shut up’, but still.It may not be pretty, it may not be mushy and romantic, but it’s still love, and it’s ours.And crucially, it’s not going to kill either of us.So...” Rimmer ran out of words and jammed his middle finger up at Kazansky, blowing a raspberry.Lister snorted a laugh.The storm clouds overhead began to clear.

 

Kazansky glared at him, wounded, “Dave!”

Lister got to his feet.“Kris.I’m sorry.”He went into his arms and looked up into his face.“You are perfect.And I do love you, because it’s impossible for me not to, and I think that love is real.But _you_ aren’t.I can see that now.”

“I’m real for as long as you need me to be.”

“That’s just it,” Lister glanced back over his shoulder at Rimmer.“I don’t think I do anymore.”

“Don’t leave me,” Kris gripped him.“Dave, no.”

“It’s time, Kris.”

“We are one.We’ll die without each other!”

“No, I don’t think we will.It will hurt, but we won’t die.”

“You’re making a mistake.Now you’ve known me, you will never feel complete again.He’ll never love you like I can.”

“No.He’ll love me like he does.And I think I’m okay with that.”Lister took a deep breath.“You have to go.”

“No!”

“Take back your arrows, take back your heart, and give me back mine.It’s not yours anymore.”

“No!”

“Kris,” Lister’s voice shook, his eyes wet.“I will not die for you.I will not die for this.Not anymore.I have something to live for.Let.Me.Go.”

 

Kazansky growled. His fingers dug tightly into Lister’s skin.Rimmer drew himself up, ready to step in, but he didn’t need to.“Kris,” Lister said firmly.“It’s over.”

Kazansky held onto him for a moment longer, then his hands dropped to his sides. “Very well,” he whispered grudgingly.Rimmer let out a sigh of relief. “If this is your choice, I will sever our bond.”He took Lister’s face in his hands.“But don’t say I didn’t warn you.” 

He bent over to kiss Lister’s mouth; and sucked out his essence.The golden light flowed between them, pouring out of Lister in a rush.When Kazansky finally let go of him, he gasped for air and swayed, clutching at his chest.“Are you okay?” Rimmer darted forward and grabbed him.

“Hollow,” Lister whispered, tears dripping down his pale face.His chest ached.He’d never felt so empty.

“Get used to the feeling,” Kris said.“If you survive the separation, the pain will eventually ease, but it won’t ever go away.You can’t lose part of your soul without some consequences.And it wont hurt as much as what’s coming next.”

“Do it.Get it over with,” Lister croaked.He laced his fingers through Rimmer’s, trembling.He still remembered the pain of the symbiosis.

“Just remember this was your choice.Goodbye, Dave.”Kristoff dissolved.And Cupid took back his arrows.

 

Pain ripped through Lister’s head like fire, as if his brain had been torn into pieces.He screamed in agony.Rimmer held onto him as he collapsed to the ground.“Lister!Lister!Oh smeg!”He clutched him in his arms as he convulsed.“It will be okay!It will be okay!” 

Lister wasn’t sure it would.The telepathic wounds left by the symbi venom darts throbbed raw and inflamed inside his mind, paralysing him in pain.His heart banged angrily in his chest.His lungs were empty.He stared up into Rimmer’s panicked face, feeling consciousness drain away, and wished he could form words, wished he had enough air, enough control, to say sorry.Because he thought Cupid may have been right after all. 

 

This break-up was going to kill him.

 

 


	16. Chapter 16

“No!No!” Rimmer looked on in helpless horror as Lister’s eyes glassed over and his breathing stilled.The beach around them began to disappear, fading into blackness.Rimmer looked up into the shrinking blue sky and bellowed at the top of his lungs.“KRYTEN!DO SOMETHING!”

The world went dark and he flailed helplessly for a second before his hands found the AR visor and ripped it off.Suddenly he was back amidst the lights and noise of the medi-bay.

Kryten and Cat were standing over Lister prepping a defibrillator.He was flat-lining.“It was too much for him, Sir!” Kryten babbled hysterically.“The pain pushed him over the edge, his heart couldn’t take the strain.”

“Use the defib!Now!”

 

“I warned you.”

Rimmer wheeled around.Kazansky was standing in the corner, tears on his face.Rimmer had totally forgotten that even after he was forced out of Lister, Cupid would still be on the ship with them.“I told you how dangerous it was.Why couldn’t you let us be?If you’d stayed out of it, he’d have been fine.He’d have been happy.You’ve killed him with your petty jealousy, you fool.”

“ _I’ve_ killed him?” Rimmer raged, storming over.“None of this would be happening if it wasn’t for you!”The _bang_ of the defibrillator as it delivered the first shock to Lister’s heart, stopped Rimmer in his tracks, and he looked back at the bed.There was no change in Lister’s state, or the tone of the heart monitor.Distraught, he disregarded Cupid and darted over to the medi-bed.He grabbed Lister’s hand.“No! Please! Come on, Listy, come on.Don’t do this to me.Not now.”

“Stand back, Sir.We need to try again.”Rimmer reluctantly let go and watched helplessly as Kryten administered a second shock in vain.

 

“It’s no good.We’re losing him, Sir.”Kryten’s voice was breaking.So was Rimmer’s heart.

“Do it again!Keep trying!”

“It won’t work,” Kazansky said from the corner.

“Say one more word and I will kill you,” Rimmer seethed.“Kryten, keep trying.”

“It’s too late,” Kazansky insisted.“He’s too far gone.I can feel him disappearing, fading away.”

“What do you mean you can feel it?” Rimmer demanded.“You severed the connection.You’re out.You’re done.”

“I left one arrow.Just in case.”

“You did _what?_ ”

“If I go back in, maybe I can still save him.”

 

Rimmer’s eyes flashed.“Don’t you dare touch him.Don’t you even _look_ at him.”

“We’re running out of time.His heart has stopped. His organs are getting no blood and no oxygen.His body is moments away from shutting down.If I can get inside him before his brain function totally dies, I might still be able to do something.”

“How do we know you’ll ever come out of him again?” Cat challenged sceptically.

“What does it matter?He’ll be gone in minutes, maybe seconds.I can save him. _Let me save him._ ”

Rimmer clenched his teeth, gazing down at Lister on the bed.“Smeg.Smeg. _Smeg_.”

“The clock is ticking.”

“I know.”

“He’s dying.”

“I _know!_ ”

“Sir!” Kryten blurted out desperately.

“Alright!Alright, do it!” Rimmer yelled.

Kazansky burst into golden mist and dived into Lister, as Rimmer looked on with a sick feeling of dread. 

 

- _Blossom.Blossom.Can you still hear me?Blossom?_

At first there was no reply.  Then the tiniest whisper echoed from the dark, as if from the end of a long tunnel.

-  _kris?_

- _Yes, it’s me._

_\- you came back_

_\- Yes._

_\- i’m dying you were right i’m dying without you_

_\- I’m going to help you._

_\- i don’t want to die i don’t want to be alone here don’t leave me alone here in the dark_

_\- It’s going to be okay.  I’m going to channel all our energy into jumpstarting your heart, and when you feel it you have to lean into it.  Come back to the light.  Breathe._

_\- i’m so tired_

_\- You won’t be once I do it.  Get ready.  One.  Two._

_\- kris_

_\- Three_

The darkness turned to gold.

 

The rest of the crew jumped in alarm as Lister’s body jerked violently on the medi-bed and the heart monitor burst into life.His eyes flew open, blazing like stars. 

\- _Breathe, Blossom.  Breathe!_

Lister heaved in a deep lungful of air, his back arching off the bed with the effort.His limbs flailed as energy flooded through him like foaming water rapids.He sat bolt upright, his heart hammering.His whole body was tingling, sizzling like a sparkler.

- _I’M AWAKE I’M AWAKE ASDFGHJKL_

 

“Lister!” Rimmer grabbed one arm and Kryten grabbed the other, and they gently eased him back down onto the bed as he panted for air.His eyes were slowly fading back to brown, but the heart rhythm on the monitor stayed steady.

“Sir!Sir!Can you hear us?” Kryten leaned over him frantically.

“Yeah,” Lister croaked.But he was distracted.

 

- _Kris?Are you still there?_

The reply was faint. _-Just._

_-You saved me._

_-I love you.I never lied about that.I’m sorry...that it had to end this way..._

_-Are you okay?_

_-My essence is burned out...I am fading._

_-You’re dying?_

_-It’s better this way.What life would I have had without you?I am nothing without love.I couldn’t go back to nothing.You’re not the only one who was lonely before we found each other._

_-What can I do?Tell me what to do!_

_\- Live.My energy will live on in you.My arrow will stay in your heart.You will never feel empty or lonely again, because part of me will always be with you.But Kristoff...Cupid...will be gone._

 

“Lister, what happened?Where is Cupid?Is he still inside you?” Rimmer demanded.

“Wait,” Lister whispered.“Wait.He’s trying to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?”

 

- _I only ever wanted to make you happy.I only wanted to love you._

_-I know._

_-He’s no me, but maybe the bond you share will be enough._ The voice began to fade away. _I hope it is._

Tears welled up in Lister’s eyes. “I think it will be,” he whispered aloud.“He’s not perfect, but he’s enough.”

“What?” Rimmer said next to him, scowling.“What’s he saying in there?”

\- _I will always love you.  I will always be with you.  Goodbye little squirrel._

_\- Goodbye Kris._ There was no reply.  _Kris? ...Kris?_ Nothing.  Lister was all alone.

 

His face crumpled, and the tears spilled over.“Lister...?” Rimmer bent over him.“What is it?Talk to me.What’s happening?”

“He used up his life-force to save me,” Lister hiccuped sadly.“It destroyed him.”

Rimmer let out his breath, overcome with relief. “He’s gone?For good?”

“He’s gone.” Lister breath hitched and he sobbed. 

Kryten awkwardly patted his shoulder.“It’s for the best, Sir.”

“I mean,” Cat pointed out bluntly, “the dude _did_ almost kill you.”

“He didn’t mean to.He loved me.I know you don’t believe it, but he did.”

Rimmer sank down to sit on the edge of the bed beside him.“It doesn’t matter.You’re okay.That’s all that matters.”He paused self-consciously, not sure how to deal with Lister’s obvious distress.He gave his hand a tentative squeeze. “I know it must feel strange,” he said grudgingly.“After all these weeks of being constantly together, always having someone there.But I’m still here and you’re not alone.Lister. _You are not alone._ ”

“I know,” Lister replied, wiping his eyes.His voice was still trembling, but calm and accepting.He managed a wobbly smile as he sank into Rimmer’s arms.“I know.”

 


	17. Chapter 17

There was exhausted, uncomfortable silence for a while as they kept a wary eye on the monitors, anxiously tracking Lister’s progress.  Eventually, Cat spoke up. “So, now you’re not dead, and the twinkly mutant thing is gone, and all the drama seems to be over, I feel like there’s some conversations we need to have as a crew about-” he gestured with vague distaste at Lister and Rimmer “-this.”

“Maybe not just now, Sir,” Kryten replied heavily.  “I think we all need some time to recover before... conversations.”

“Agreed,” Lister said weakly.

“So, what?” Cat persisted.  “We’re not gonna talk about the fact you two boned?  I mean,  _ awkward _ .”

“This is not making it less awkward,” Rimmer said crisply.

“I’m just saying, this is going to take me a while to get over.  I hope you both know that. You can’t just drop that kind of bombshell on someone without warning.”

“I’m sorry this has been so difficult for you,” Lister replied dryly.

“I should think so.  You know what? I don’t even want to talk about it.  This has been way too stressful. I’m gonna take a nap.”  He shimmied out, shuddering.

 

“I think someone else should probably take a nap too,” Kryten said meaningfully, with a stern glance at Rimmer.

“Don’t be idiotic.  I’m a hologram. I don’t need sleep.”

“I was referring to Mr Lister.  That was a subtle hint for you to leave, Sir.”

“Let him stay,” Lister said wearily.  “Before any crew conversations, us two need to have some conversations.   _ We _ still haven’t talked about the fact we boned.”

“Sir, it’s vital you don’t excite yourself right now.”

“I know.  But we do need to talk.  Alone.”

“Very well,” Kryten sniffed.  “I’ll give you a few minutes, but that’s all.  Anything else will have to wait until you’re better rested.  And I would hope you don’t need me to say it in the circumstances, but there’s to be no activities which might be...overstimulating.”

“Kryten, he just suffered total heart failure, you imbecilic goit.  Do you really think it would cross either of our minds to even consider getting down and dirty on the medi-bed right now?”  

“It seems there have been many things crossing your minds recently that I couldn’t have predicted, Sir, so I thought it best to be absolutely clear.  It will take some time before Mr Lister is strong enough to even think about...” Kryten’s features contorted in revulsion, “... ‘boning’.”

“We’ll restrain ourselves,” Lister retorted dryly.

 

Once Kryten had gone, he leaned back in Rimmer’s arms.  “Because this isn’t just about that,” he added softly, and hopefully.  “Is it?”

Rimmer gulped.  “No,” he managed.  “It’s not.”

Lister managed a small nervous smile.  “How long?”

“What?”

“How long have you known?  That you wanted this?” He shrugged shyly.  “ _ Me? _ ”

“Um.  Honestly?  I don’t know.” Rimmer flailed mentally.  “I mean, I suppose, in some ways, ever since we met.  But in a more specific and uh,  _ explicit _ way, from the moment I found myself tied to a chair with you half-naked in front of me.”

“Yeah.  That was kind of a moment for me too.” Lister agreed, with a sage nod.

“How much of it do you remember?” Rimmer asked him gingerly.

“Now that Kris is gone?  All of it.”

“Okay.  How do you feel about...all of it?”

“Weird.” Lister admitted.  “I don’t think it’s how either of us would have chosen to do things, if left to our own devices.  But then, left to our own devices, we would probably never have got there at all. And he wasn’t lying, you know.  He was driving, but I was navigating. I suppose having that barrier, that conduit, made it easier to let go and give in to it.  And it  _ was _ spectacular.”  He blushed.

“It was?”

“It wasn’t for you?”

“Of course but...you’ve done this before.  I haven’t.” Rimmer squirmed. “Which leads me to a question of my own.  How long have  _ you _ known?  You know, that you...?” He trailed off.

“Like guys?” Lister teased gently.  “Or like you?”

“Either.  Both.”

 

“I suppose I knew for a while that I was...interested, long before I ever did anything about it.  Frank was my first. My only really. He approached me one night, before the accident. Before Kochanski even.  I was so torn, so nervous. I didn’t know what to do. And he was the first officer, y’know?”

“So you felt like you couldn’t say no?”

“No.  No, not that.  I mean, he was just so...together.  He was confident and collected. He was experienced.  He was handsome...”

“Okay, okay.  I get the picture.  No need to go on and on.”

“He made me feel safe, I guess.  Like, if I was going to try it, then who better?”

“And you never considered me?”

“Back then?  No.  _ God _ , no.”

“So when  _ did _ you start to consider me?”

“I honestly don’t know.  It happened so gradually.  And like you, I don’t think it really hit me explicitly until Kristoff pointed it out.  There was that moment when you interrupted us...”

“When you were ‘singing’,” Rimmer remembered, raising a disapproving eyebrow.

“Right.  I opened the door, and my clothes were only half-on, and my head was still in bed, and my cock was still in overdrive and you were standing there in front of me, and we were both just too flustered to hide the heat, the chemistry.  Kris didn’t like it. Not at all.”

“What did he do?”

“Went to great lengths to regain my attention.”

 

Rimmer shifted uncomfortably.  “Kryten has a point, you know. It’s going to be a while before you’re strong enough to be -”  he cleared his throat, “ - singing again. Especially duetting. After the last few weeks, that might be kind of a drag.”

“It doesn’t matter.  I can wait if you can.”

“Of course I can.  I’m used to it. I’m just concerned you might have more...lung capacity than I can keep up with.”

“Hey, I’m just as used to the quiet spells as you are.  It’s not a big deal. Besides,” Lister added sheepishly, “fun as it was, these last few weeks literally nearly killed me.  I’m ready for a breather. Like we said,  _ this _ ,” he raised their linked hands, “isn’t just about  _ that _ .  Let’s take some time to be together in more ways than one, yeah?”  He looked up at Rimmer with shining eyes. “Love, not just sex. That’s what I want.  That’s what all this was really about.”

“Do you love me?” Rimmer asked nervously.

“Yes,” Lister responded softly.  “Yes, I do. And if I didn’t believe you loved me too, I’d still be busy getting fucked to death on a beach in Fiji.”

Rimmer winced.  “Ah. We’re not still using the singing euphemism then?”

Lister rolled his eyes.  “No.”

 

Rimmer looked down at their joined hands.  “Cupid was right though. I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t know what you want or how to give it to you. I’m not good at this.”

“You’ll learn.  We both will. We’ll find what works for us.  We can only start by being honest. Talking instead of fighting.  Pulling together instead of pushing away. We both want the same thing here: each other.  The rest will work itself out.” He reached up with one hand to touch Rimmer’s cheek. “So just do what feels right.”

 

Rimmer did.  He leaned over and kissed him, gently and lovingly on the mouth.  And even though the kiss was sweet, not sexual, Lister’s heart sped up a little.

Unfortunately, the change in tone of the heart monitor alerted Kryten, who immediately burst in.  “That’s enough of that! What did I tell you? No overexcitement! Shoo, Mr Rimmer! Out with you now!  Out, out, out!” He bundled a cursing Rimmer out of the door.

 

Lister waved to him sadly and lay down on the medi-bed to get some rest.  When he closed his eyes, and felt for it, he could still sense the faint tingle of Cupid’s essence flowing in his veins.  It was the barest shadow of what it had been, but it was there, and it was strangely comforting. He allowed himself a moment more to grieve for Kristoff.  The cost may have been high - too high ultimately - but Lister knew he would never experience that same level of intimacy ever again. Still... _ Part of me will always be with you.   _

He smiled to himself.  Yes. It would be. Not just the golden energy pulsing in his heart either.  Part of Kristoff was, and always had been, Arnold Rimmer; and if he hadn’t managed to shake that guy off in three million years, he wasn’t likely to do so now.

He didn’t have Fiji.  He didn’t have Earth. Right now, he didn’t even have  _ Red Dwarf. _  But for the first time in years, he had someone to truly share his life with.  And for the first time in months, he had  _ hope _ .


End file.
